My 4th loss!

Sorry I was so short with my last post. I was very upset. My ultrasound on Friday did not have any growth from last week. There was also no visible embryo and there should have been at 6 weeks 3 days. I go in tomorrow for a d&c. I hate to have another surgery but I just can't wait it out. She also said that would be the only way they could do any testing.

These are my options. If the testing on the baby comes back normal I could do another clomid cycle and try Lovenox injections. Dr. E said that all though they have done every test they don't know everything and have had some luck with doing the injections without a specific cause. IVF with genetic testing. I have always thought I wouldn't want to do IVF with my history because what if I spend all that money and it happened again. Dr. E said they have had a lot of success with recurrent miscarriage patients and IVF. So now I just don't know. Adoption. I had all ready been looking into that and had an appointment with an agency but canceled when I got pregnant. Of course I can always give up and live child free. Buy a sports car and travel.

It is a lot to think about. I am not really thinking to much about it right now. I have been keeping myself busy making little Christmas trees that I sell. Those should be done today. So I don't know what I will do next. I am really tired of miscarriages. I just don't even want to think that I have had 4! What the heck? It is really trying and I just don't have any strength left.

Bad News

It happened again.

First U/S

I had my first ultra sound on Friday. There is a gestation sac measuring 5 weeks. I was 5 weeks 3 days the day of. I am taking that as great news. I could not get my beta done because of the holiday. So I went today. I also had the mthfr test.

My boobs started getting sore and I am hungry all the time. This was different then my other pregnancies. Usually I get hungry and sore boobs right away. But this time it happened later. Another way to add to my paranoia. I am telling myself that this pregnancy is different then all the others because it is a healthy pregnancy! I am working very hard at keeping the negative thoughts away.

My betas

Sorry I haven't updated or been a very good blogger. I promise to catch up.

It has been a long week because my betas are going up but not doubling. So I have been doing the waiting game. My first beta was 75, my second was 129 and my third was 221. I didn't have another one until yesterday and it was at 799. It was supposed to be at 880. So they are increasing but since they aren't doubling they are having me come in on Friday for an u/s and another beta. I am also having the mthfr test. Apparently that was not done when my ob/gyn did my recurrent loss panel. I am a little irritated that the RE is just now thinking of doing it. Umm let's see why don't we wait until the patient is pregnant to do the test. She did put me on extra folic acid yesterday.

I had a therapy appointment on Friday and yesterday. So that helped. K went with me on Friday. I was happy about that. My therapist is also a reiki healer. So she had me lay on a massage table yesterday and did some reiki on my head, abdomen and my knees. My knees were hurting but felt a lot better when she was done. She also had me visualize my pregnancy being healthy while she was doing it. I felt a lot better after.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Test Day

It was positive. I thought I was in the middle of the week because I was cramping. I have only had early cramps when I am pregnant. I never cramp before my period. Well Friday the cramps had stopped and my boobs were not getting sore. I really could not remember when my boobs started getting sore before. Anyway I had myself convinced I was not. I almost forgot to test this morning and only did so to confirm it was negative. So I was kinda surprised.

I go in tomorrow, Wednesday and Friday for a beta. I really hope this is it because I have decided not to try again if I have four losses.

Beagle Update

Well the beagle really scared me last week. I took her to the vet about her back. He could tell that she was sore. He said that since it has happened before that we really need to crate her for two to three weeks or risk paralysis. He said not to worry unless she got worse. Well that night she started losing her balance in her hind legs. When she took a stretch her hind end just fell down. So of course I was freaking out. I haven't quite recovered from losing Bitzi so I am sure that added to my fear.

I took her that next morning for x rays. Her back looked fine. No swelling in the disc. He said he saw a little bit of an issue in her neck but wasn't really concerned. He also said that there might be lesions that would not show up with an x ray. But that would be looked at if she didn't get better.

She is walking better now each day an improvement. But she still can't stretch without it making her sit down. Not as bad as the falling over. So that is good. She hasn't been crated since house training so she doesn't like it. I am having to walk her on the leash to use the restroom and then straight back to the crate.

Funny thing is I pulled my back on the squat machine Saturday. Really not funny because it hurt and I didn't want to take a muscle relaxer right now. So we were both laid up this weekend. I went to the chiropractor today and told him about the two of us. He said he has adjusted quite a few dogs! So I told him that is she still seems to be off balance next week I will check with my vet about it.

Test date is Sunday!

This cycle is going well

I had my follie check on Friday. I had 3 follies. One at 17 and two at 15. I could not believe it. Usually I have one that is promising and then a maybe. I have also ovulated earlier these past two cycles. Usually on Clomid I ovulate on CD 17 or 18. So it seems like the weight loss has another positive. I triggered yesterday and we are just doing timed intercourse.

I am determined to think positive. Everyday on my walk I have been repeating positive thoughts. That I will have a strong follie that will be a strong egg that will become a strong baby. It isn't easy because I have become so negative. But I am trying.

On another note the poor beagle hurt her back again. About six months ago we finished putting hardwood floors in. Getting rid of the carpet was good for us bad for her. We have been doing so good at keeping her from running inside. However, last night we got her all excited and she took off running. Todays she wasn't jumping. My vet couldn't see her today so she is on pain meds and will be seen tomorrow. It is lonely taking a walk without her.

Childhood

I didn't like being a child. Ever since I can remember I couldn't wait to grow up. Because growing up meant getting away from it all. When I was in first grade I had seperation anxiety from my mother. I cried everyday at school all day. I was often put in a storage closet because they just didn't know what to do with me. I remember that closet and me in there crying. It is a hard memory. Especially when I think all I needed was some help. But then it wasn't a common thing to take children to a therapist. Finally my parents took me out of school and I would sit in my fathers truck all day while he worked. He wouldn't let me stay with mom. After all that is what I wanted. I love my father but don't really like him. It was not long after that I decided to go back to school and was fine. I missed a lot of first grade but my mom would not let them hold me back because she did not want me to be 18 when I graduated. So of course I was behind the other kids in my studies. That was very hard to handle. Kids can be mean.

My parents were spankers. My mom would spank us with a tupperware handle to the cake taker. She would make us pull our pants down. Yes I would go to gymnastics with whelps on my legs. Still you wanted my mother to spank you not my father. He would often just pick up anything and hit you with it. Shoe, newspaper, belt. Don't get me wrong I did not live in an abusive home spankings weren't an everyday occurence. The only time I would say that my dad abused me was when I was 16 and got suspended from school. He pulled me from the bathroom to my bedroom by my hair. It was so bad Mom said she was going to call the police. He turned and said if she does he would do the same to her. I have never forgiven my father for that moment. It is an awful memory.

I could go on but those memories plus dad going to jail shaped my growing up. There was a lot of chaos in my life then and it continued into my twenties. Not until I met K did the chaos start to slow down. Infertility brought chaos back into my life again. Although with everything I went through I am not surprised that IF happened to me. Anything and everything has been a struggle for me.

I'm writing about this because I am wondering how experiences can block certain things from happening. I am very fearful of turning out to be like my parents. So much so that I rarely if ever talk to them or see them. I hated being a kid. For a long time that is why I didn't want children. Why would I want to bring someone into this world to go through what I went through? Would I be the same as my parents?

These are things I thought I had dealt with. But I think I just pushed them aside. Is my fear surrounding all of this part of my infertility? Are my underlying fears part of the reason I can't have a successful pregnancy? I just don't know. All I know is the pain has come back again with a vengeance. I don't really want to even go there but how am I supposed to help my pain if I don't.

Anniversary

Today is my 9 year wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been 9 years. I am proud to say that the majority of those we have been very happy together. K is my one and only. I could not imagine my life without him and wouldn't want to. I am also very proud to say that our marriage has gotten stronger because of infertility. It really is the only good that has come out of this crap we have been through. I am very grateful for K and everything he does for me. He didn't know he was going to get an infertile woman with health issues also!

I thought I would dress up tonight for a nice dinner out. Just some dress pants and nice shoes. Well I am excited to say I put on my dress pants that haven't been on me since last winter and they fell off!!!! So I tried another pair they fell off too!!! WooHoo Diet! I now have one pair of jeans that I couldn't part with during my big clothes toss last year that fit. It feels great to finally see something succeeding in my life. K won big last week when he stopped in Metropolis to gamble so looks like I will be doing some shopping. Oh and I will save my clothes that are now to big because I will need them for my successful pregnancy damn it!

Negative Test

I also started spotting this afternoon. I am more upset then I thought I would be although I am not surprised. My cat dying was very stressful for me and I had bronchitis for two weeks. I even refused the steroid shot to help get over bronchitis because of the "possibility". So I suffered through an awful two weeks of illness and a migraine (because I refuse to take pregnancy category c or above) this weekend for nothing.

Here is to another clomid cycle. I am not sure if that will be it for clomid or will do another cycle. It depends on how I am emotionally with it. Clomid makes me very depressed.

Ugh this TTC was awful

OK Monday was nice. But Tuesday I woke up sneezing and thought it was just allergies. So I did the neti pot. I went on my walk because it wasn't supposed to rain until that afternoon. I even looked at the radar. No rain in sight. Must have been on a delay. I got caught in a downpour with a mile to walk out. The beagle and I ran a little bit of the way but since I am not a runner and was getting wet anyway I said screw it. It was warm out even with the rain. I didn't get a chill but got sick anyway. My nose went from being stopped up to non stop running to stopped up again. My body was achy. I was not in any mood for sex. If I hadn't spent money on the trigger shot I would have said screw it. But I am not one to waste so I sucked it up. So it was down to the ever romantic "Come on K lets get this over with".

I feel better although I am still coughing. My nose is no longer stopped up and I no longer ache.

TTC again

I took Clomid cycle days 5-9 like usual. Today I went in for a follie check. I have two follies one is ready and the other is very close. So they gave me a trigger shot. It is earlier then I thought. I figured around CD 15 I would need the trigger which is what I have done in the past. Today is CD13. So maybe I am seeing some improvement in my hormones since I have lost some weight.

I am really not into TTC right now. I am not sure why. I just don't feel like going through it. I was starting to heal then the loss of my cat really brought me back to a dark place. It is so hard to lose an animal I have had for so long. The house just really feels strange. I keep thinking I need to give Bitzi her thyroid medication and then I remember. I haven't even brought myself to throw out her medication yet. I keep having dreams that she got better. I am sure it will get easier. It just isn't right now.

Sad Today

I had to put my cat who turned 16 this month to sleep today. It was one of the hardest but easiest decisions to make. If that makes sense. She has been sick for about 3 weeks. The vet thinks it was probably cancer since all her other test came out fine. I thought she was going to make it. After a week of not eating she started eating again with a steroid shot. But Tuesday afternoon after I took her in for fluids she wouldn't eat again. So I postponed my trip to China (flight was yesterday) to care for her. I just couldn't leave her. The thought of her dying while I was gone was eating me up. So of course K had to go so he was not here. He said that Bitzi was a friend to him when no one would be. He was very sad he could not be here. My sister and her partner were on a staycation thank goodness! So they came down and went with me. I stayed with her while they did it. Hard of course it was. But my touch and voice were there for her during her last moment. I put her under a gigantic forsythia bush. She loved that bush and when I would let her out this past week that is where she would go. Bitzi was a great cat and friend. The stories she could tell! Like K said always there when no one else would be. She will be deeply missed.

Adjusting Well

These past few weeks I have been really concentrating on getting myself healthy inside and out. I really have been feeling great. Yes, my grief and anger is still there but is getting smaller everyday. I did my second unsent letter. It took me longer then the first because I have been feeling so good that I just didn't want to go there. But I knew that if I really wanted to move on that I had to.

Three weeks ago I added a 2.2 mile hike daily with my beagle. I have been faithful about going to Curves. Because I want to get my hike out of the way before it gets to hot it is giving me a reason not to want to sleep my morning away. I have also been better with my diet. I have been trying to lose the 40 PCOS pounds I gained in 3 months for about two years. After my first and second losses I just did not give a damn and gave up on eating well and exercising. After this loss I fell into that habit for the time I was supposed to rest after but did not let myself do it any longer then that. I really feel keeping this up has helped me stay out of a funk.

Therapy is hard but going well. I am trying to be more positive and am working on my fear of pregnancy before we start trying again. Before I have never let myself think past a day when I was pregnant. I am trying to see myself pregnant in the future more then just a few weeks without the fear that usually goes with that.

I have also decided not to put my life on hold anymore. K is going to take two of his nieces (22 and 19) to China at the end of Sept. I wasn't going to go because I had a horrible time adjusting to the time last time and I wanted to start trying again this cycle. However, I am not ready to try yet so I am going. That week in China would be testing week anyway and I don't want to be in China with a BFN or a BFP. So I am going instead of staying home alone. Travel all I can while I can. I just know right now that 2009 will have a baby in it.

So that is my plan keep working on my weight, go to China then in October if I feel like it we will try again.

So Sorry

I have been taking some time off from the blog world. I promise to catch up with peoples blogs this weekend. Hope everyone has been well! Oh and I will update mine also.

Questioning Why I Waited

Heading into history here.

K and I first met 12 years ago. I just started working for my parents and he was their shop supervisor. I knew he had a history of addiction but I didn't know the extent. At the time I was very close to turning into an addict myself. See I believe we met for that reason. To give each other some hope that we don't need the drugs and alcohol for life to be good. It wasn't long into our relationship that I found out K's drug of choice was crack. It broke my heart because I fell in love with him fast. We just fit together. His last big binge he stole a car from the business. He went and bought some tools charged to the business so he could pawn them. At the time my parents had no idea that we were seeing each other. It was soon after that when I started getting real depressed because K was no where to be found that I confided in my mother. When K finally called me he was at a friends house in Memphis. Call me crazy but I drove the 3.5 hours to Memphis and picked him up. For a little bit I made him stay at the Salvation Army and would pick him up to search for a job. After a few weeks of that he was staying with me. My friends thought I was insane and were constantly telling me to give up. Something in me just told me to keep hoping and praying. I ended up giving up all my party buddies and stopped going out all together. We went to AA together. Although I don't consider myself an addict I was very close and AA helped me also. I would go to K's job weekly and pick up his pay check. That lasted until I got my internships and couldn't. He was trusting in himself enough to hold on to the check but not cash it without me. Before I knew it K was sober and working on the steps. I was doing great in school. See drinking and partying caused me to not be the typical college student. Soon we were looking at and buying a ring. I could never think of the right time to tell my mom and would take it off every time I saw her. One day I forgot. My mom cried when she saw it, they were not tears of joy. That was so hard for me. Soon my mom realized that I was getting married with or without her. She at least wanted a wedding for one of her daughters. Now I think she likes K better then me. He is back working at the business. Running it with my Father and my brother. He has been sober 11.5 years. One day a few years ago when K was late from work I realized I was no longer wondering if he was back out. My complete trust in him was back.

So that is the biggest reason I waited until I was 34 to start trying. It is a smart reason, right? My rational mind knows this. So why am I questioning it? Why am I beating myself up over something I cannot change. How was I to know that I wouldn't get pregnant right away and have recurrent loss. Even if I did know I wouldn't have done it. So why do I keep questioning it? I made the right decision. That decision hurts now but that doesn't mean it wasn't right. It is time to stop dwelling on something I can't change.

Unsent Letters

I began the first of three unsent letters to the souls who tried to come into my life but didn't. It is harder then I thought. As a social worker I am used to asking others to do these things. I have never actually sat in the seat myself. It is a little uncomfortable to me. Right now my first letter doesn't feel finished. I guess I will know when it is time to put down the pen.

Therapy is going to be a lot harder then I thought. I really had a bad day Thursday. Dealing with my first therapy appointment and my cat. She is doing better by the way. I am so grateful. I guess I am scared of dealing with everything and moving on. I think I am in a slump that just seems easy right now. Doing anything really takes so much effort. I just do the basics right now. I feel bad because there are things that need to be done I need to be doing. I just don't have it in me. Maybe that is why the letter is so difficult. I just don't have it in me. However, I am doing it because it is a start.

Therapy

I started therapy today. I really like the counselor. She is different from the one I originally called because my dates got messed up and I missed my first appointment. Since that counselor could not see me until August 13 I called a place called Fertile Hope Program for Healing. She said on the phone that the reason she does this is because she has been through IF. So in a way I am glad I missed my appointment with the other place.

We just talked about the basics today and how angry I am. That I have let myself become completely isolated because of not being able to see pregnant people and children. She told me that is fine for now that it is a protection I am doing for myself. It was a very good session and she validated my feelings well. She wants me to write letters to my three babies. The letters are going to be hard but I will try. I made another appointment for next week.

I am very sad today because I think my 15 year old cat is getting sick and won't be here much longer. Her and her sister were my first pets after moving out on my own. They have been through a lot with me. Many boyfriends, the drug and alcohol years, several jobs, houses and married life. I just hate that I can't do anything for her right now but let her rest. She is a great pet and I just hate to lose her when I have dealt with so much loss recently.

Stupid Thyroid and Migraines

When I had my second opinion on my multinodular goiter Dr. W ran a load of blood test. All if it came back normal except I was deficient in vitamin D. Strange because I thought the prenatal would have been enough. My TSH was .63 he said that was perfect. There was no need to have radioactive iodine or have it removed. He felt like everything was fine no need to worry. He said I could get it rechecked in a few months if I wanted. He really did not feel it was necessary. I got the RE to test it because I have had a constant headache to migraine and usually that is a sign. Today my panel was normal except TSH was low at .26. Could it be the pregnancy and maybe it will go back up. My regular endo is of course out of town this week. I have so many questions. Is it an issue? Should I just have it retested in a few weeks? Should I get another opinion on taking the RAI. I will be furious if I end up needing the RAI when he said it wasn't necessary right now. Expecially because I would have to wait a year to start trying again. I could have had it taken care of in March and been that much closer to a year.

Yesterday I was feeling so positive that my next pregnancy will be it. Today that is gone. I can't wait to see the counselor on Thursday. Could not be soon enough.

About my migraines. My SIL and nieces all go to the chiropractor for theirs. They swear it has stopped them. They may get them twice a year now. She also said that C got horrible cramps and would pass out with her period. She said the Chiropractor helped that and her cycle went from 5 days most spent in bed to 2 functional days. Sure beats having a lap to check for endometriosis. So I have an appointment on Friday. I hope it works. If it does I can go back to work without needed the pregnancy category D seizure medications to keep the migraines away. So I have some hope there. I would love to go back to work.

Post Op Appointment

I had my post op from my D & C today. Everything was fine with me. I had what I thought was a period last weekend which had never happened with my other two D & C. Dr. Abby said it was probably just a drop in hormones releasing the blood not to worry.

I have been debating since this happened whether I wanted to know the gender of the baby. For some reason I felt that knowing would make it even more real and therefore harder for me to cope. In the end I decided it might help me bring some closure.

The loss was caused by Trisomy 16 and was a boy. It is somewhat of a relief to know that the miscarriage was caused by an abnormality. At least I know that for this loss it wasn't my body killing my baby. It makes the decision to try again easier. I am still undecided but am leaning on giving TTC another shot. I only have to wait one cycle if I do try again so at least there isn't a two cycle wait like with my previous ones. Different doctor different rules on that I guess. She also said that it is extremely rare for it to happen more then once and does not think my other two were caused by it. She does not want to do genetic testing with me or K at this time. So of course it is another lets wait and see if it happens again.

I am sad either way about the gender. When we first started trying we both thought it would be neat to have a boy because K's brother and sister have 4 girls each. So it is a little bitter sweet. Of course we could care less now. All we want is a healthy baby. It does make it more real but I am not as upset as I thought I would be.

We had a great trip to Vegas. I was doing really well masking my feelings. Putting on a good show since most of K's family was there. K's sister lives in Vegas so we hardly ever talk to her. I found out the day before our big family dinner that her 21 year old is accidentally pregnant. I think she is purposely accidentally pregnant because she is insecure in her relationship. Anyway I had a day to prepare to mask my feelings better. The first place I was sitting at dinner was to close to where she would be so I got up and moved. Her little sister is of course excited big sis is pregnant and she has the u/s pic in her hand. I am sitting at the far end of 13 people from her. Of course I am the person she decides to run up to and show it to first. I flipped out practically yelled I don't want to see that got up running to the bathroom. It ruined my last evening in Vegas. I was fighting back the tears the whole time and haven't been the same since. It was like a slap in the face how unfair all of this is. Stupid young adult child who has no business being pregnant.

Another Loss

There was no growth and the gestational sac is now collapsed. I go in Monday for the d&c. I hate that it is at the same place I had a bad experience with the recovery nurse. I just can't wait it out. I need it to be over with so I can start healing and not have a set back in two weeks.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate them. I am very sad and confused right now. I was so hoping the third one would be it.

We go in two weeks to Vegas for the 4th. Ken's dad and brother are playing in the World Series of Poker. It seems like every time I have a loss I have a trip planned for Vegas. I don't know of a better place to drown my sorrows in drinking, gambling and good food. I just hope that Ken's niece who has little one's doesn't come.

Not good news

First I wanted to say sorry I haven't been reading people's blogs this week. I have been avoiding the computer as I was starting to obsess over pregnancy signs. I will try and catch up.

The u/s was not good. The gestational sac is progressing very little from my u/s last week. My beta last Monday was at 3000 and today it was 6300. I don't think the numbers sound good but since it went up and there was a little growth they want me to wait until Friday to do another u/s then go from there. This wait and see happens every time I miscarry and it is no fun. I don't really have any hope left as the numbers are low and I don't feel pregnant anymore.

I am just tired of this whole TTC thing. It has taken up almost 3 years of my life. I gave up my career and what do I have to show for it? I am not making any decisions right now but I really don't want to try any more. I really believe that now that I am 37 and this is my third loss my RE will want me to do IVF. I really don't know if I can justify spending that money with 3 miscarriages. I just feel it would happen again. Adoption will be very difficult for us because K is a recovering addict (11 years sober)but he has several felonies because of it. I just don't want any more pain then IF has caused. I just have to start accepting that we will never be parents.

I was worried

I was very worried yesterday. How I realized that my 2nd pregnancy wasn't going well was because my breast stopped hurting and weren't as full. Well I noticed they weren't hurting as badly on Saturday and felt almost normal on Sunday. So of course I was crying thinking the worst. Lets face it infertility has not made me the most positive person in the world. Then last night I started having sharp pains on my rights side where ovulation pains would be. So I called my RE and she saw me for an u/s. There is a gestational sac in the uterus. Good. The embryo is measuring at 5 weeks. She puts me at 5 weeks 5 days. She really felt good about that. I have a cyst on my right and left ovary. Now the pain is making better sense. The cyst are actually good because they help release progesterone. She says there is a possibility that I released two eggs and it could be an ectopic. However, she said that is very rare and really isn't that worried about it. She felt things were so good that there was no need for a Beta. I got one and progesterone check anyway to further put my mind at ease. Of course if my pain does not go away or gets worse she will see me before Monday. But other then that she will see me Monday.

Now I am going to try not to worry about every little thing. I keep telling myself that I think my m/c (although it hasn't been confirmed) were caused by my taking synthroid and I did not need it. When I would get pregnant my old endocrinologist told me to increase it by a pill a week. If I did not even need it and I increased it that could not have been good. Each time my thyroid was checked after it was hyper. My new endocrinologist felt it was the synthroid making it hyper and not the goiter. So I keep telling myself that was it and now everything will be fine. But of course my negativity has gotten the best of me in the past two years and positive thinking takes practice. It really does take more effort.

2nd Beta

My 2nd beta was 152! I was really nervous about it and am relieved to know it is good.

Right now my first appointment and u/s are on June 16. When I called K about it he said he wasn't at a calendar but thought that would be when he was in China. I knew he was going but I thought it was later. I am really upset that he is even going during that time because I have never made it past 8 weeks. What if something happens while he is gone? I know he doesn't have a choice because they are having considerable issues with the company that builds our scaffold. I really wish that my brother would start going so it is not always my husband traveling over there. Clint and his wife are such germaphobes that he won't go. He doesn't say that is the reason but I know it is. He won't even let K or my dad near his daughter after they have been over there. So weird.

O.K. enough complaining I am just upset and worried.

Beta and P4 results

Beta is 62 at 13 dpo. My progesterone is at 32.6 without supplements. I started progesterone last night as a precaution though. I go back tomorrow for repeat beta and will get those results Friday. I am so happy the numbers are good.

I have another migraine. It started on Monday. Since I can stay in bed I have not taken a Maxalt which is pregnancy category C. If it last much longer I may not have a choice.

I held out!

I tested this morning. Of course I woke up at 5:00 which is way way early for me and tested. It was positive! I am very excited and very happy.

I have left a message at the RE. Not sure if they are open today or not. I wanted to know when to come in for a beta and also about taking progesterone. I have refills from last time but will probably wait to fill it until I hear from them.

This time I plan on being more positive. With the last pregnancy I was very negative and didn't have a good feeling the whole time. I think everything had taken a toll and I wasn't completely ready from the loss.

Thank you ladies for all your support this weekend!

Ugh! The waiting!

I don't know how I handled the TWW last summer. I was fine until yesterday when I had a migraine. It really bothered me because I always get a migraine before my period. I just kept telling myself it could me a drop or an increase in hormones. It wasn't a bad migraine because it went away without me taking maxalt. I called the RE and they said it would be o.k. for me to take it since I wouldn't be doing it on a continuous basis. If it got unbearable or was still there today I would have. So I am taking that as a good sign.

All day yesterday I wanted to test. It was the first thing I thought of this morning. I haven't tested because I know it is still early. I am cramping though so I took my temp. to see if it was dropping and it was 98.22. So that is good. I don't normally cramp before my period. With my last BFP I cramped and felt like my period would start any moment. So I am trying to remind myself of that.

I just don't remember obsessing this bad last summer. I think after the first month I kinda lost hope so I didn't obsess. I am trying to stay positive about the hole thing. I am trying to hold off until Monday to test. That will be 12 dpo. I hope I can hold out.

Sanibel

Well the wedding is over. It was very beautiful. Lee seems like a nice genuine guy. I could not be happier for Jessica. We arrived in Sanibel around 2:00 on Friday. I was debating up until I got there whether I wanted to drink or not. Not because I thought it would affect the baby if I am pregnant. I know that isn't true before a positive test. I just didn't want anything to effect actually getting pregnant. But as soon as I saw Sylvia (stepMIL) I knew I would have some drinks. I just didn't over do it.

Usually I slowly get my skin used to being in the sun when spring/summer gets here. I have fair skin but if I plan well I won't burn. Middle Tennessee has had a great spring but it has been too cold to sit in the sun. So my skin was in shock. I put sunscreen on so I did not get burned. My chest and upper arms have a sun rash though. I did not expect that because usually I get a rash after a week or more of continuous sun activities. Also the no-see-ums were awful. I even had bug spray on but I am covered in bites. So right now I have calamine lotion all over. I have been to the beach plenty of times but have never noticed the no-see-ums. It really is a turn off for me wanting to return to Sanibel.

I took a test this AM to see if the trigger shot was out of my system. It is. The weird thing is that my heart hurt when the test came up negative. I know it being positive now would be a false positive but for some reason it hurt to see it. I am not sure yet when I will test for real.

Here are some pics:

Bride and Groom


Me, K, Uncle Bob, FIL, K's adopted brother


Revenge for what they did to our car. Two down, two to go.

First TWW in 7 months

I am not sure how I am going to handle it. These are the times when I really wish I was working to help pass the time and help me not obsess. I remember being very depressed last summer during my TWW. I just don't want that to happen. I have been doing well emotionally lately and have also been doing well on my diet. As long as I can keep my spirits up I don't drink too much, eat too much and not exercise. I just have to remember that being overweight may not be an issue in everyone's fertility but because I have PCOS it is for me. My diet and exercise are part of my fertility treatment as far as I am concerned.

I just need to keep busy. This weekend we will be at K's nieces wedding so that will help pass some of the time. I also have to start scraping paint on the trim in the hallway, living room and dinning room. The people who owned our house before us did not primer over oil paint so it peels. It is a lot of work but I just can't paint over it like it is. So that should keep me busy.

Today's Ultrasound

Well I didn't have a positive opk over the weekend so I did my u/s today. I didn't ovulate yesterday like they thought. I really didn't think I would because I have only ovulated on CD 15 once on clomid the rest have been around CD 17. But they put it in my head so I thought they might know somewhat better then me. So I worried over nothing. I had two follies that grew one was 20x19 and the other was 19x14. I did get to do the trigger shot today. It is something different and has given me a little more hope. Mostly I try and stay away from hope because it sets me up for a fall. But this month I decided to let myself hope. Not too much because I am working on living in the "now".

I got tagged!

4 things I did 10 years ago:

1. I was doing my social work internships at NHC Nursing Home and Wave's Inc. I always thought I would work with the elderly and that had been my main focus until my internship at Wave's. I decided that I loved working with individuals with developmental disabilities. That became my social work focus.

2. In December that year I finally graduated from college. It took me forever to figure out what I wanted a degree in. After changing it several times, dropping out to work for a while I decided on Social Work. It took me forever to figure it out but I was meant to be a social worker.

3. I got engaged!!!!

4. My migraines that had been gone since puberty came back with a vengeance. After many test I found at that one of the causes of my migraines was mild narcolepsy. Finding out about the narcolepsy put a lot of issues I had in perspective. Especially the non stop dreaming which were often nightmares and the night hallucinations.

4 things I did 5 years ago:

1. I went to China for the first time. We spent two weeks there. Since we do business there and know people in China I got to do some very unique things. It was during their Moon Festival. I got to have a Moon Festival dinner over at someones home. I never in my dreams thought life would take me to China.

2. I started co-chairing group therapy with staff and clients at my job. It was incorporating Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Learning DBT was a new turn for me and helped me deal with a lot of past issues that still haunted me. It also made me change my mind about getting my master's degree. I haven't yet because there isn't one close. My university MTSU is finally getting the MSW program and I will be able to finally go.

3. I went white water rafting for the first time. Several of my friends from college and I went down the Ocoee. We asked for the craziest guide they had and had one heck of a ride. It was so much fun.

4. I realized how short life is when one of my brothers was almost killed in an accident. He was pulling a trailer that was hooked up by someone else. He did not double check it and it was not on right. It flipped his truck and he needed to be life flighted to Vanderbilt. I decided it was time to quit ignoring my family and build relationships with them again.

4 Shows I love to watch:

1. Lost
2. Ghost Hunters
3. Intervention
4. CSI Las Vegas

4 Things I did yesterday:

1. I had my follie check ultrasound.

2. I bought sheets that did not fit my bed. It was worth a shot though 1000 tk on sale for 60.00. So now they will be returned.

3. I worked out at Curves.

4. I blew my workout and ate dinner at Olive Garden.

4 Things that make me happy:

1. My husband. We have been together 11 years and married for 8.

2. My beagle and my three black cats. They bring such joy. I would be lonely without them.

3. My hobby of metal work and jewelry making.

4. A nice cool fall day when the leaves are turned and falling.

Now I have to tag four people. Adrianne, Heather, Donna, Jen

My Ultrasound

My appointment that I made for tomorrow got bumped to today because Saturdays are reserved for IVF patients. I understand that IVF patients should take priority because there is a lot more involved then what I am doing. But I am a little upset because I knew it would be too early and after all I am trying to get pregnant also. I had 1 follie 15x15 on my right ovary and 4 follies on my left. They were 15x9, and 3 were 11x11. They feel I will probably ovulate on Sunday so I did not get a trigger shot today. If I haven't had a positive opk by Sunday I will go back for another u/s on Monday and see what happens. I am happy with the follies though just disappointed about the trigger shot. I am not counting myself out yet.

Prayer

I am not a religious person. I don't attend church or read the bible. The church I attended growing up was Church of Christ. When I was in 5th grade my father got involved with a business partner that committed fraud. I don't know all the particulars but I was told dad had no idea. I will never know the full truth and don't really want to. The trial went on for years and when I was in 8th grade my father was sent to federal prison where he stayed for two years. My mother had never worked a day since she got married. She still had me and my brother living at home to support. When my mother went to the church for financial aid they would not help her because of the circumstances. Confidentiality was broken and everyone found out a very private matter. It really changed how people reacted towards our family. I have felt that you help people who are in need regardless of the circumstances. People should have unconditional positive regard for other people. We all know that 13 is not easy and this made it worse. It left a bad taste in my mouth for Church in general. I have not been to church since I was 17.

My point is that although I am not religious I believe in God, the power of prayer and positive energy. There have been studies that show that people who are sick when prayed for recover more so then people who aren't prayed for. If I need to be prayed for I will seek it from family and friends. My family and friends know that they can seek prayer from me.

Today I was working out at Curves. There is another women who works out at the same time I do. We have spoken during our workouts. It helps pass the time. We were talking about all the houses being built. I had mentioned that we were remodeling our home so we can put it on the market in two years because of the growth in our neighborhood. She then asked if I had kids because it is hard on them to transfer schools. I said no but trying with no luck. She said it was in God's hands. I told her God and my doctor. So we started talking about my journey. I have mentioned that I don't mind talking about my infertility. She has two children but had two miscarriages. Well I ended my workout and went to do stretches. She then came up to me and asked if she could pray for me. I told her of course. It really touched me because out of all the people that are acquaintances I have told, no one has asked to pray for me.

The rocks

My sister and her partner have been together for 19 years. She is a sister to me and cares very much about me. On Thanksgiving of 2006 she gave me rocks with metaphysical use for fertility. At that point in my journey I was not bothered by her giving me the rocks. If she gave them to me today I would be a little bothered. Now I know nothing but medical intervention is going to help. It just so happened that I carried those rocks in my pocket that next cycle and got a BFP. Do I believe that is a coincidence? Yes I do. Did I get those rocks out and put them in my pocket yesterday? Yes I did. I guess I feel I need something to hold on to that is a little bit of my control.

CD 1, phone and hairdresser

I am on cd 1 today!! Finally some relief from the bad pms but not the cramps. I always seem to cramp worse after I have had a procedure done. So I called the RE's office to set up a CD 13 lining, follie check and trigger shot. The person scheduling it did not want to because it fell on a Saturday and a nurse would have to approve. She wasn't very nice or maybe it seemed that way because I don't feel so hot. She said can you come in on Friday? Then she said Oh that would mess your cycle day up. I could do it on CD 12 but decided not to ahead of time since I usually don't ovulate until CD 15 to 17 on clomid. Plus I wanted her to schedule it when I wanted it since they are open. So I told her yes it has to be Saturday and if it has to be approved by a nurse then do it. I don't see where the problem is. She then just went ahead and scheduled it. I hate it when employees just want to give someone a hard time just for the sake of it.

I also got my hair cut today. I have been seeing David for about 16 years so he has seen me in different stages of my adult life. He knows that we have been trying and our having IF issues. He was very nice today and just asked if I had anything "new" going on. I really wish I could have said yes I am 3 months pregnant. But no life doesn't work that way. Usually I would have told him what has been going on since I last saw him. I really don't care who knows. I want people to understand (if at least for that moment) how hard infertility is. It is not always sex that leads to pregnancy or pregnancy that leads to baby. I just did not feel like talking today about anything.

Oh ya my hair. I hope I like it. I usually wear it long with a little layer to it. It is curly and very low maintenance. I hate messing with it. So I got it cut slightly below the shoulder today and shorter layers. I knew it would look shorter because of the curl so it will take some getting used to. I still think it will be wash and go. I hope so anyway.

Support Group

First I have to say that I have had the worst PMS I have ever had this week. I really haven't had bad PMS since I stopped working. I think the stress of my job added to it. I have been on edge and my temper short. I really don't even want to drive because everything is annoying me right now. I just want my cycle to start and get some relief.

I went to a Resolve support group last night. This is the second one I have attended. There were only four of us last night. I really like the in real life support. I hate that this common bond has brought us together but it has made us instantly connect. I have always been a slow to warm up person but I don't feel that with this group. It is very validating.

Two of the women last night had failed IVF. I realized it really pisses me off when I hear about failed IVF. That is just completely not fair. A women puts her body through a lot with IVF. The egg is actually fertilized. Why does that fertilized egg not stick. Isn't that what is supposed to happen with a fertilized egg? Conception is supposed to take place right? I can't even imagine the huge disappointment that must be. I just feel for the women who that has happened too. I am disappointed and pissed off for you.

Post Op Appointment

I had my follow up appointment for my hysteroscopy. She had taken out a polyp. Also part of my endometrium tissue was rough looking so she smoothed that out. She said that the opening to both tubes is clear and open. So right now my uterus is ready for pregnancy. Now lets hope my body cooperates.

My next plan is to try the 150 milligrams of clomid. I want to try the clomid and trigger shot for two cycles then move on to injections and IUI. It worked before so hopefully it will again. My ultrasound will be on day 12 to check my uterine lining and follie check.

Right now I really have no feelings about it. I thought I would be excited to start again. Although the break has been tough it has been nice not to have the roller coaster of clomid and the TWW. I probably won't temp this month. I think I will be o.k. with opks and the ultrasound. My fingers are crossed.

Trying to heal

We have been remodeling our home. This is the longest I have ever lived in one home. Going on 9 years now. Since I moved so often getting rid of clutter often happened at that time. I know this isn't true but it seems I haven't thrown anything away in 9 years. When we did the room that is the office K had moved some things before I went through it. Most of that has been sitting in the dining room waiting for me. Today I started that task. I found several cards I had kept from friends, colleagues and client's parents. Reading these cards made me cry and miss the person I used to be. It reminded me of how much I used to give of myself to others. All of the cards talked about how much I have to offer others, what I had all ready done and what I will accomplish. Over the past two and a half years I have become very self absorbed in my world of infertility. I guess the first year really doesn't count because it did take me a year to feel normal again after weaning myself off the numerous addicting medications my old neurologist had me on. That part of me the cards talked about seems so distant from my reality today.

I don't even know anymore if I have anything to offer others. I have let myself become very bitter and jaded that other peoples suffering doesn't even bother me. I don't feel that pull or drive to even offer what I have to give. Currently I feel that I am the one that needs support. But all the support in the world won't give me a healthy pregnancy will it? Right now I feel having a healthy pregnancy is the only way I will feel better. But I want to work on myself now. I want to feel better whether I have a healthy pregnancy or I don't. It is crazy because I have the knowledge and the skills to help others but I don't feel like I can help me. One of the things I learned in college was don't try and help yourself if needed seek help. Maybe if I see someone it will give me the jumpstart I need to start the healing process. All I know right now is until I heal myself I will never be able to give to others again.

Officially 37 today

This is how my day started with a migraine. I really have myself to blame on that I drank two beers last night. I only drank two. It sucks that alcohol which I love causes me migraines. Not always but the majority of the time. I spent the morning in bed and now it is gone.

I am not sure how I feel about turning 37. When I really sit and think about life I have a lot to be grateful for. Except for infertility of course. That really is the one thing that is holding me from completely enjoying turning 37. Age has never really been an issue for me but to my eggs it is an issue. I know that I started TTC at 34 so time was not on my side. I had my reasons. That is a post for a day not my birthday. I told myself I would not think about infertility today. So after I post this I will try my best. It may be too much trouble not to and easier just to let the thought in and pass.

K came home from work early so I am going to go enjoy my birthday with my husband.

Do you have to call it a miracle?

I can't stand it when women call their BFP a miracle. It bothers me and I let it. I mean really, a miracle? surprise yes, shocking yes but miracle no. I remember when I got my first BFP how I thought it was a blessing. I mean I found out the week of Christmas it had to be something, right? I didn't think it was a miracle and now I don't think it was a blessing. I just think it just so happened that I had a good egg for conception that month. That was it. No divine intervention there. I am now glad I didn't tell others what a blessing it was. I have no way of really knowing what another woman has been through. It could be less or more than me. I am glad that I didn't hurt others with those words. Or cause someone else to think why does she get the miracle or blessing? I am still happy for that person with the "miracle bfp" a little less happy then if she would have just called it what it is a "surprise bfp".

Feeling down

I feel depressed today. It has been a blah day. K has been in Atlanta and I have been alone for two days. It is not unusual for me to be alone during the day it is the 24 hr thing that gets me. Since I don't work and all my friends do it is hard to have someone to do something with during the day time. Most women in my neighborhood who don't work are either retired or mothers. I just don't feel the need to make friends with women that at this time I would either envy or criticize everything they do. Wondering the whole time why she is a mom and I am not. I don't feel like that is a good friend or even casual acquaintance. I have let my infertility isolate me. Most of that is self preservation. I would rather be home alone then be out in the world surrounded by happy and unhappy fertile people. It seems to smother me with the fertile world closing in. Everything I see reminds me of my infertility. I feel it when I am at home but it is not as bad or flaunting in my face.

First post

I have recently been reading women’s blogs who are struggling with infertility. I have kept a journal since my early 20's. It has always been a place for me to place my thoughts and make since out of life. It has been validating to read other women's blogs who are struggling with fertility issues. I decided that it was time to try online journal

A little about myself. My husband and I have been married 8 years. We have one dog a beagle and three black cats. I have my degree in social work. I worked as a case manager for adults with disabilities for six years. I loved it and miss it. I suffer from severe migraines and have mild narcolepsy. I was on a considerable amount of medication for 8 years for both. I needed to stop them to TTC. Since I did not know how my body would react to not taking the medications I quit my job. I felt it would not be fair to my employer or my clients to not be at my best. At the time I thought I would get pregnant and return to work within a year or year and a half. I soon learned that getting pregnant would not be as easy as having sex at the appropriate time of the month as I was told. I soon found out that I had PCOS. It was devastating but gave me some hope at the time. At least there was something I could do to help. I immediately started trying to loose the 40 pounds I had gained in 3 months due to the PCOS and started metformin. I was doing really well and being very proactive about getting pregnant. I had a lap which found mild endo on my left ovary. The cycle after my lap I started 50 mg of clomid and got my first BFP. I was elated and could not stop smiling. I just knew that not getting pregnant was going to be my struggle. No way would life give me a miscarriage to deal with. I was wrong. At 8 weeks I started spotting and within a few days had lost all pregnancy symptoms. I started cramping badly and went to the ER. I was having a miscarriage. I went through a week of betas and ultrasound to make sure before I had a d & c. I was devastated. Life gave me miscarriage too. How was I going to make it? It was the lowest point in my life. How was I going to pull myself out of this? The doctor said to wait 3 cycles. 3 cycles at the time was an eternity. Since I had to take clomid I had no choice. I cried every day for 3 cycles. If only I could get pregnant again it would be better. 3rd cycle came and I tried again. BFN went up to 100 milligrams of clomid the next cycle BFN, tried another 100 mg cycle BFN, went up to 150 milligrams BFP. This time I felt different. I wasn't excited. I was scared to death of another miscarriage. I tried to be positive it was very hard. It was common to have one loss I kept telling myself. I won't have another. This will be a healthy pregnancy. Around 7 weeks my breasts were no longer hurting and I was no longer hungry all the time. I knew it had happened again. I had to go through the week of betas and ultrasounds just to tell me what I all ready knew. I did another d & c. I just wanted it to end. This is all so unfair. I did the RPL testing and it was all negative. I soon found out my thyroid which has been hypo was hyper. It turns out to be a multi nodular goiter. I went through the test and had a biopsy. For now my thyroid is functioning normal and I don't need medication. I went back to the RE after that and had the clomid challenge and a saline sonogram. The clomid challenge was normal. I was so worried about early menopause but it is not the case. The sonogram showed a polyp which I had removed on April 8th. I go in two weeks for a post op and find out what my treatment is for next cycle.

A link to my chart and fertility history