Questioning Why I Waited

Heading into history here.

K and I first met 12 years ago. I just started working for my parents and he was their shop supervisor. I knew he had a history of addiction but I didn't know the extent. At the time I was very close to turning into an addict myself. See I believe we met for that reason. To give each other some hope that we don't need the drugs and alcohol for life to be good. It wasn't long into our relationship that I found out K's drug of choice was crack. It broke my heart because I fell in love with him fast. We just fit together. His last big binge he stole a car from the business. He went and bought some tools charged to the business so he could pawn them. At the time my parents had no idea that we were seeing each other. It was soon after that when I started getting real depressed because K was no where to be found that I confided in my mother. When K finally called me he was at a friends house in Memphis. Call me crazy but I drove the 3.5 hours to Memphis and picked him up. For a little bit I made him stay at the Salvation Army and would pick him up to search for a job. After a few weeks of that he was staying with me. My friends thought I was insane and were constantly telling me to give up. Something in me just told me to keep hoping and praying. I ended up giving up all my party buddies and stopped going out all together. We went to AA together. Although I don't consider myself an addict I was very close and AA helped me also. I would go to K's job weekly and pick up his pay check. That lasted until I got my internships and couldn't. He was trusting in himself enough to hold on to the check but not cash it without me. Before I knew it K was sober and working on the steps. I was doing great in school. See drinking and partying caused me to not be the typical college student. Soon we were looking at and buying a ring. I could never think of the right time to tell my mom and would take it off every time I saw her. One day I forgot. My mom cried when she saw it, they were not tears of joy. That was so hard for me. Soon my mom realized that I was getting married with or without her. She at least wanted a wedding for one of her daughters. Now I think she likes K better then me. He is back working at the business. Running it with my Father and my brother. He has been sober 11.5 years. One day a few years ago when K was late from work I realized I was no longer wondering if he was back out. My complete trust in him was back.

So that is the biggest reason I waited until I was 34 to start trying. It is a smart reason, right? My rational mind knows this. So why am I questioning it? Why am I beating myself up over something I cannot change. How was I to know that I wouldn't get pregnant right away and have recurrent loss. Even if I did know I wouldn't have done it. So why do I keep questioning it? I made the right decision. That decision hurts now but that doesn't mean it wasn't right. It is time to stop dwelling on something I can't change.