The rocks

My sister and her partner have been together for 19 years. She is a sister to me and cares very much about me. On Thanksgiving of 2006 she gave me rocks with metaphysical use for fertility. At that point in my journey I was not bothered by her giving me the rocks. If she gave them to me today I would be a little bothered. Now I know nothing but medical intervention is going to help. It just so happened that I carried those rocks in my pocket that next cycle and got a BFP. Do I believe that is a coincidence? Yes I do. Did I get those rocks out and put them in my pocket yesterday? Yes I did. I guess I feel I need something to hold on to that is a little bit of my control.

CD 1, phone and hairdresser

I am on cd 1 today!! Finally some relief from the bad pms but not the cramps. I always seem to cramp worse after I have had a procedure done. So I called the RE's office to set up a CD 13 lining, follie check and trigger shot. The person scheduling it did not want to because it fell on a Saturday and a nurse would have to approve. She wasn't very nice or maybe it seemed that way because I don't feel so hot. She said can you come in on Friday? Then she said Oh that would mess your cycle day up. I could do it on CD 12 but decided not to ahead of time since I usually don't ovulate until CD 15 to 17 on clomid. Plus I wanted her to schedule it when I wanted it since they are open. So I told her yes it has to be Saturday and if it has to be approved by a nurse then do it. I don't see where the problem is. She then just went ahead and scheduled it. I hate it when employees just want to give someone a hard time just for the sake of it.

I also got my hair cut today. I have been seeing David for about 16 years so he has seen me in different stages of my adult life. He knows that we have been trying and our having IF issues. He was very nice today and just asked if I had anything "new" going on. I really wish I could have said yes I am 3 months pregnant. But no life doesn't work that way. Usually I would have told him what has been going on since I last saw him. I really don't care who knows. I want people to understand (if at least for that moment) how hard infertility is. It is not always sex that leads to pregnancy or pregnancy that leads to baby. I just did not feel like talking today about anything.

Oh ya my hair. I hope I like it. I usually wear it long with a little layer to it. It is curly and very low maintenance. I hate messing with it. So I got it cut slightly below the shoulder today and shorter layers. I knew it would look shorter because of the curl so it will take some getting used to. I still think it will be wash and go. I hope so anyway.

Support Group

First I have to say that I have had the worst PMS I have ever had this week. I really haven't had bad PMS since I stopped working. I think the stress of my job added to it. I have been on edge and my temper short. I really don't even want to drive because everything is annoying me right now. I just want my cycle to start and get some relief.

I went to a Resolve support group last night. This is the second one I have attended. There were only four of us last night. I really like the in real life support. I hate that this common bond has brought us together but it has made us instantly connect. I have always been a slow to warm up person but I don't feel that with this group. It is very validating.

Two of the women last night had failed IVF. I realized it really pisses me off when I hear about failed IVF. That is just completely not fair. A women puts her body through a lot with IVF. The egg is actually fertilized. Why does that fertilized egg not stick. Isn't that what is supposed to happen with a fertilized egg? Conception is supposed to take place right? I can't even imagine the huge disappointment that must be. I just feel for the women who that has happened too. I am disappointed and pissed off for you.

Post Op Appointment

I had my follow up appointment for my hysteroscopy. She had taken out a polyp. Also part of my endometrium tissue was rough looking so she smoothed that out. She said that the opening to both tubes is clear and open. So right now my uterus is ready for pregnancy. Now lets hope my body cooperates.

My next plan is to try the 150 milligrams of clomid. I want to try the clomid and trigger shot for two cycles then move on to injections and IUI. It worked before so hopefully it will again. My ultrasound will be on day 12 to check my uterine lining and follie check.

Right now I really have no feelings about it. I thought I would be excited to start again. Although the break has been tough it has been nice not to have the roller coaster of clomid and the TWW. I probably won't temp this month. I think I will be o.k. with opks and the ultrasound. My fingers are crossed.

Trying to heal

We have been remodeling our home. This is the longest I have ever lived in one home. Going on 9 years now. Since I moved so often getting rid of clutter often happened at that time. I know this isn't true but it seems I haven't thrown anything away in 9 years. When we did the room that is the office K had moved some things before I went through it. Most of that has been sitting in the dining room waiting for me. Today I started that task. I found several cards I had kept from friends, colleagues and client's parents. Reading these cards made me cry and miss the person I used to be. It reminded me of how much I used to give of myself to others. All of the cards talked about how much I have to offer others, what I had all ready done and what I will accomplish. Over the past two and a half years I have become very self absorbed in my world of infertility. I guess the first year really doesn't count because it did take me a year to feel normal again after weaning myself off the numerous addicting medications my old neurologist had me on. That part of me the cards talked about seems so distant from my reality today.

I don't even know anymore if I have anything to offer others. I have let myself become very bitter and jaded that other peoples suffering doesn't even bother me. I don't feel that pull or drive to even offer what I have to give. Currently I feel that I am the one that needs support. But all the support in the world won't give me a healthy pregnancy will it? Right now I feel having a healthy pregnancy is the only way I will feel better. But I want to work on myself now. I want to feel better whether I have a healthy pregnancy or I don't. It is crazy because I have the knowledge and the skills to help others but I don't feel like I can help me. One of the things I learned in college was don't try and help yourself if needed seek help. Maybe if I see someone it will give me the jumpstart I need to start the healing process. All I know right now is until I heal myself I will never be able to give to others again.

Officially 37 today

This is how my day started with a migraine. I really have myself to blame on that I drank two beers last night. I only drank two. It sucks that alcohol which I love causes me migraines. Not always but the majority of the time. I spent the morning in bed and now it is gone.

I am not sure how I feel about turning 37. When I really sit and think about life I have a lot to be grateful for. Except for infertility of course. That really is the one thing that is holding me from completely enjoying turning 37. Age has never really been an issue for me but to my eggs it is an issue. I know that I started TTC at 34 so time was not on my side. I had my reasons. That is a post for a day not my birthday. I told myself I would not think about infertility today. So after I post this I will try my best. It may be too much trouble not to and easier just to let the thought in and pass.

K came home from work early so I am going to go enjoy my birthday with my husband.

Do you have to call it a miracle?

I can't stand it when women call their BFP a miracle. It bothers me and I let it. I mean really, a miracle? surprise yes, shocking yes but miracle no. I remember when I got my first BFP how I thought it was a blessing. I mean I found out the week of Christmas it had to be something, right? I didn't think it was a miracle and now I don't think it was a blessing. I just think it just so happened that I had a good egg for conception that month. That was it. No divine intervention there. I am now glad I didn't tell others what a blessing it was. I have no way of really knowing what another woman has been through. It could be less or more than me. I am glad that I didn't hurt others with those words. Or cause someone else to think why does she get the miracle or blessing? I am still happy for that person with the "miracle bfp" a little less happy then if she would have just called it what it is a "surprise bfp".

Feeling down

I feel depressed today. It has been a blah day. K has been in Atlanta and I have been alone for two days. It is not unusual for me to be alone during the day it is the 24 hr thing that gets me. Since I don't work and all my friends do it is hard to have someone to do something with during the day time. Most women in my neighborhood who don't work are either retired or mothers. I just don't feel the need to make friends with women that at this time I would either envy or criticize everything they do. Wondering the whole time why she is a mom and I am not. I don't feel like that is a good friend or even casual acquaintance. I have let my infertility isolate me. Most of that is self preservation. I would rather be home alone then be out in the world surrounded by happy and unhappy fertile people. It seems to smother me with the fertile world closing in. Everything I see reminds me of my infertility. I feel it when I am at home but it is not as bad or flaunting in my face.

First post

I have recently been reading women’s blogs who are struggling with infertility. I have kept a journal since my early 20's. It has always been a place for me to place my thoughts and make since out of life. It has been validating to read other women's blogs who are struggling with fertility issues. I decided that it was time to try online journal

A little about myself. My husband and I have been married 8 years. We have one dog a beagle and three black cats. I have my degree in social work. I worked as a case manager for adults with disabilities for six years. I loved it and miss it. I suffer from severe migraines and have mild narcolepsy. I was on a considerable amount of medication for 8 years for both. I needed to stop them to TTC. Since I did not know how my body would react to not taking the medications I quit my job. I felt it would not be fair to my employer or my clients to not be at my best. At the time I thought I would get pregnant and return to work within a year or year and a half. I soon learned that getting pregnant would not be as easy as having sex at the appropriate time of the month as I was told. I soon found out that I had PCOS. It was devastating but gave me some hope at the time. At least there was something I could do to help. I immediately started trying to loose the 40 pounds I had gained in 3 months due to the PCOS and started metformin. I was doing really well and being very proactive about getting pregnant. I had a lap which found mild endo on my left ovary. The cycle after my lap I started 50 mg of clomid and got my first BFP. I was elated and could not stop smiling. I just knew that not getting pregnant was going to be my struggle. No way would life give me a miscarriage to deal with. I was wrong. At 8 weeks I started spotting and within a few days had lost all pregnancy symptoms. I started cramping badly and went to the ER. I was having a miscarriage. I went through a week of betas and ultrasound to make sure before I had a d & c. I was devastated. Life gave me miscarriage too. How was I going to make it? It was the lowest point in my life. How was I going to pull myself out of this? The doctor said to wait 3 cycles. 3 cycles at the time was an eternity. Since I had to take clomid I had no choice. I cried every day for 3 cycles. If only I could get pregnant again it would be better. 3rd cycle came and I tried again. BFN went up to 100 milligrams of clomid the next cycle BFN, tried another 100 mg cycle BFN, went up to 150 milligrams BFP. This time I felt different. I wasn't excited. I was scared to death of another miscarriage. I tried to be positive it was very hard. It was common to have one loss I kept telling myself. I won't have another. This will be a healthy pregnancy. Around 7 weeks my breasts were no longer hurting and I was no longer hungry all the time. I knew it had happened again. I had to go through the week of betas and ultrasounds just to tell me what I all ready knew. I did another d & c. I just wanted it to end. This is all so unfair. I did the RPL testing and it was all negative. I soon found out my thyroid which has been hypo was hyper. It turns out to be a multi nodular goiter. I went through the test and had a biopsy. For now my thyroid is functioning normal and I don't need medication. I went back to the RE after that and had the clomid challenge and a saline sonogram. The clomid challenge was normal. I was so worried about early menopause but it is not the case. The sonogram showed a polyp which I had removed on April 8th. I go in two weeks for a post op and find out what my treatment is for next cycle.

A link to my chart and fertility history