We have been remodeling our home. This is the longest I have ever lived in one home. Going on 9 years now. Since I moved so often getting rid of clutter often happened at that time. I know this isn't true but it seems I haven't thrown anything away in 9 years. When we did the room that is the office K had moved some things before I went through it. Most of that has been sitting in the dining room waiting for me. Today I started that task. I found several cards I had kept from friends, colleagues and client's parents. Reading these cards made me cry and miss the person I used to be. It reminded me of how much I used to give of myself to others. All of the cards talked about how much I have to offer others, what I had all ready done and what I will accomplish. Over the past two and a half years I have become very self absorbed in my world of infertility. I guess the first year really doesn't count because it did take me a year to feel normal again after weaning myself off the numerous addicting medications my old neurologist had me on. That part of me the cards talked about seems so distant from my reality today.
I don't even know anymore if I have anything to offer others. I have let myself become very bitter and jaded that other peoples suffering doesn't even bother me. I don't feel that pull or drive to even offer what I have to give. Currently I feel that I am the one that needs support. But all the support in the world won't give me a healthy pregnancy will it? Right now I feel having a healthy pregnancy is the only way I will feel better. But I want to work on myself now. I want to feel better whether I have a healthy pregnancy or I don't. It is crazy because I have the knowledge and the skills to help others but I don't feel like I can help me. One of the things I learned in college was don't try and help yourself if needed seek help. Maybe if I see someone it will give me the jumpstart I need to start the healing process. All I know right now is until I heal myself I will never be able to give to others again.
Ship of Me
1 day ago
2 comments:
This IF journey changes us in so many ways. It's okay to focus on you and not be the giver for awhile. I can tell from your post how much others love you and your warm nature in helping your clients.
Healing is hard and I agree that therapy can really help. I recently started and have gone for 3 sessions. It's no miracle cure, but it helps just to dump all those jumbled thoughts and let someone help you sort them out. I hope you are able to find the old you soon. (hugs)
((Hugs))
You hit the nail on the head when you said you feel numb to the suffering of others, I feel that way too. It's an awful feeling, but sometimes I feel like nothing can be as hard as dealing w/ IF.
I used to be a really caring & supportive person, but I've found over the past 2.5 years that person is MIA. :(
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