Sorry MIA

Sorry I have been missing. Since we were not TTC I just wanted a break from it all. These past few months have been great. The only time my infertility hurts is when I am around children for a period of time. I don't notice it in stores anymore. Although I still avoid certain areas and certain times of the day. I don't really cry about it anymore nor am I angry. I believe it is something that one day somehow I will come to understand and be a better person for it. Whether I become a parent or not.

These past few months I have really been working on my health. Both emotionally and physically. I have lost a total of 54 pounds and 37 inches. I have 14 more to go! I will post a pic. when I am at a computer I can scan at. I exercise on a regular basis and am eating very balanced meals. I am tracking and weighing my foods to keep me in check for now. I am getting more used to portions and how much is enough or not enough. Some days I ate a lot some days not enough. That has changed. No longer skipping meals and no longer wanting to. Hopefully soon I will be down to tracking once a week just to keep myself in check. This has had a very positive effect on my self image and thankfully my migraines! I am down to maybe one a month. Amazing and hope it is not just a fluke.

As for TTC. We are going to do IVF with pre genetic determination starting in July. It was a hard decision. In the end we decided if we didn't give it a try we will always question it. I do worry about not having any normal embryos. My RE does not feel this would be the case. I did another clomid challenge and saline sono. My RE and nurse were shocked that I had 10 follicules on each ovary. Of course not all would turn into eggs but this was good news because I won't have to take as much medication. I can thank my weight loss for that.

To keep me occupied in the meantime and during the IVF we are remodeling our kitchen and living room. Hopefully it won't be too stressful. I hope that by doing it while doing IVF will help keep me from obsessing over the IVF. I will post before and after pics.

I am sorry not to have kept in touch and plan on being a better blogger and friend.

Still Here

Can't believe it has been so long since I posted or read any blogs! I am sorry and have a lot of catching up to do.

I had a very hard time after the miscarriage. I started having generalized anxiety and insomnia. I was constantly worried that something was going to happen to me, K or one of the furbabies. I would get myself so worked up I couldn't sleep or want to leave the house. K and I were often walking around the neighborhood with the beagle at 10:00 at night to try and help calm me down. I have always worried about things that are huge events in my life. But I am generally very laid back about normal daily activities. So this was a huge change for me and very scary. K was extremely worried about me. I am sure it being the holidays and me not meeting with my therapist during that time didn't help. Also everything seemed to be going wrong. I had to have a previous root canal retreated the Monday after the d&c which was worse then the first one. I also had an incident with chest pains a few days before Christmas. I was afraid to go to sleep. The next day I did go to the doctor. After the normal ekg and chest xray she told me it was probably costochondritis. A swelling of the ligament that connects the rib bone and the chest bone. I am sure that all that added to my constant worry something bad was going to happen. The ambien I got to sleep did not help especially if I was feeling anxious.

K of course mentioned all this to the RE at our follow up. Dr. E called a psychiatric ER to see what they would do. Since she did not feel I needed to be admitted there was nothing they could have done. She did not feel comfortable prescribing me anything and recommended I go see my general practitioner the next day. She did call my GP and explain my situation. He put me on Zoloft. I am also on a different medication for the insomnia which I will only be on a couple more weeks. It seems to be working. I have had one incident of anxiety in the past two weeks. That was when Autumn my 16 year old cat went out when it was 10 degrees out. I saw her go out and thought she would come right back in. About 30 minutes later I realized she hadn't come in. So I went looking for her. She was laying in the sun and was warm to touch silly girl. I think that anxiety was justified though. Anyway I am seeing my therapist regularly and we agree that 3 weeks was to long to go between appointments for now. I have also started back at Curves and walking everyday. I feel that has made a huge difference and hopefully I won't need the zoloft for more then 4 to 6 months. The doctor said that it needed to be at least 4 months or risk the anxiety coming back.

The genetic testing on the baby was another trisomy 16. The baby was a girl. K and I have made an appointment with a geneticist on 2/9. It really depends on what they say as to what our next steps are. It will probably be IVF with PGD. I haven't made a decision yet. My mindset is so negative right now that I know it is not the right time to decide. I am just going to see what the geneticist says.

I am off to Vegas for 10 days. I promise to catch up with everyone when I return.