Childhood

I didn't like being a child. Ever since I can remember I couldn't wait to grow up. Because growing up meant getting away from it all. When I was in first grade I had seperation anxiety from my mother. I cried everyday at school all day. I was often put in a storage closet because they just didn't know what to do with me. I remember that closet and me in there crying. It is a hard memory. Especially when I think all I needed was some help. But then it wasn't a common thing to take children to a therapist. Finally my parents took me out of school and I would sit in my fathers truck all day while he worked. He wouldn't let me stay with mom. After all that is what I wanted. I love my father but don't really like him. It was not long after that I decided to go back to school and was fine. I missed a lot of first grade but my mom would not let them hold me back because she did not want me to be 18 when I graduated. So of course I was behind the other kids in my studies. That was very hard to handle. Kids can be mean.

My parents were spankers. My mom would spank us with a tupperware handle to the cake taker. She would make us pull our pants down. Yes I would go to gymnastics with whelps on my legs. Still you wanted my mother to spank you not my father. He would often just pick up anything and hit you with it. Shoe, newspaper, belt. Don't get me wrong I did not live in an abusive home spankings weren't an everyday occurence. The only time I would say that my dad abused me was when I was 16 and got suspended from school. He pulled me from the bathroom to my bedroom by my hair. It was so bad Mom said she was going to call the police. He turned and said if she does he would do the same to her. I have never forgiven my father for that moment. It is an awful memory.

I could go on but those memories plus dad going to jail shaped my growing up. There was a lot of chaos in my life then and it continued into my twenties. Not until I met K did the chaos start to slow down. Infertility brought chaos back into my life again. Although with everything I went through I am not surprised that IF happened to me. Anything and everything has been a struggle for me.

I'm writing about this because I am wondering how experiences can block certain things from happening. I am very fearful of turning out to be like my parents. So much so that I rarely if ever talk to them or see them. I hated being a kid. For a long time that is why I didn't want children. Why would I want to bring someone into this world to go through what I went through? Would I be the same as my parents?

These are things I thought I had dealt with. But I think I just pushed them aside. Is my fear surrounding all of this part of my infertility? Are my underlying fears part of the reason I can't have a successful pregnancy? I just don't know. All I know is the pain has come back again with a vengeance. I don't really want to even go there but how am I supposed to help my pain if I don't.