Negative Test

I also started spotting this afternoon. I am more upset then I thought I would be although I am not surprised. My cat dying was very stressful for me and I had bronchitis for two weeks. I even refused the steroid shot to help get over bronchitis because of the "possibility". So I suffered through an awful two weeks of illness and a migraine (because I refuse to take pregnancy category c or above) this weekend for nothing.

Here is to another clomid cycle. I am not sure if that will be it for clomid or will do another cycle. It depends on how I am emotionally with it. Clomid makes me very depressed.

Ugh this TTC was awful

OK Monday was nice. But Tuesday I woke up sneezing and thought it was just allergies. So I did the neti pot. I went on my walk because it wasn't supposed to rain until that afternoon. I even looked at the radar. No rain in sight. Must have been on a delay. I got caught in a downpour with a mile to walk out. The beagle and I ran a little bit of the way but since I am not a runner and was getting wet anyway I said screw it. It was warm out even with the rain. I didn't get a chill but got sick anyway. My nose went from being stopped up to non stop running to stopped up again. My body was achy. I was not in any mood for sex. If I hadn't spent money on the trigger shot I would have said screw it. But I am not one to waste so I sucked it up. So it was down to the ever romantic "Come on K lets get this over with".

I feel better although I am still coughing. My nose is no longer stopped up and I no longer ache.

TTC again

I took Clomid cycle days 5-9 like usual. Today I went in for a follie check. I have two follies one is ready and the other is very close. So they gave me a trigger shot. It is earlier then I thought. I figured around CD 15 I would need the trigger which is what I have done in the past. Today is CD13. So maybe I am seeing some improvement in my hormones since I have lost some weight.

I am really not into TTC right now. I am not sure why. I just don't feel like going through it. I was starting to heal then the loss of my cat really brought me back to a dark place. It is so hard to lose an animal I have had for so long. The house just really feels strange. I keep thinking I need to give Bitzi her thyroid medication and then I remember. I haven't even brought myself to throw out her medication yet. I keep having dreams that she got better. I am sure it will get easier. It just isn't right now.

Sad Today

I had to put my cat who turned 16 this month to sleep today. It was one of the hardest but easiest decisions to make. If that makes sense. She has been sick for about 3 weeks. The vet thinks it was probably cancer since all her other test came out fine. I thought she was going to make it. After a week of not eating she started eating again with a steroid shot. But Tuesday afternoon after I took her in for fluids she wouldn't eat again. So I postponed my trip to China (flight was yesterday) to care for her. I just couldn't leave her. The thought of her dying while I was gone was eating me up. So of course K had to go so he was not here. He said that Bitzi was a friend to him when no one would be. He was very sad he could not be here. My sister and her partner were on a staycation thank goodness! So they came down and went with me. I stayed with her while they did it. Hard of course it was. But my touch and voice were there for her during her last moment. I put her under a gigantic forsythia bush. She loved that bush and when I would let her out this past week that is where she would go. Bitzi was a great cat and friend. The stories she could tell! Like K said always there when no one else would be. She will be deeply missed.

Adjusting Well

These past few weeks I have been really concentrating on getting myself healthy inside and out. I really have been feeling great. Yes, my grief and anger is still there but is getting smaller everyday. I did my second unsent letter. It took me longer then the first because I have been feeling so good that I just didn't want to go there. But I knew that if I really wanted to move on that I had to.

Three weeks ago I added a 2.2 mile hike daily with my beagle. I have been faithful about going to Curves. Because I want to get my hike out of the way before it gets to hot it is giving me a reason not to want to sleep my morning away. I have also been better with my diet. I have been trying to lose the 40 PCOS pounds I gained in 3 months for about two years. After my first and second losses I just did not give a damn and gave up on eating well and exercising. After this loss I fell into that habit for the time I was supposed to rest after but did not let myself do it any longer then that. I really feel keeping this up has helped me stay out of a funk.

Therapy is hard but going well. I am trying to be more positive and am working on my fear of pregnancy before we start trying again. Before I have never let myself think past a day when I was pregnant. I am trying to see myself pregnant in the future more then just a few weeks without the fear that usually goes with that.

I have also decided not to put my life on hold anymore. K is going to take two of his nieces (22 and 19) to China at the end of Sept. I wasn't going to go because I had a horrible time adjusting to the time last time and I wanted to start trying again this cycle. However, I am not ready to try yet so I am going. That week in China would be testing week anyway and I don't want to be in China with a BFN or a BFP. So I am going instead of staying home alone. Travel all I can while I can. I just know right now that 2009 will have a baby in it.

So that is my plan keep working on my weight, go to China then in October if I feel like it we will try again.

So Sorry

I have been taking some time off from the blog world. I promise to catch up with peoples blogs this weekend. Hope everyone has been well! Oh and I will update mine also.

Questioning Why I Waited

Heading into history here.

K and I first met 12 years ago. I just started working for my parents and he was their shop supervisor. I knew he had a history of addiction but I didn't know the extent. At the time I was very close to turning into an addict myself. See I believe we met for that reason. To give each other some hope that we don't need the drugs and alcohol for life to be good. It wasn't long into our relationship that I found out K's drug of choice was crack. It broke my heart because I fell in love with him fast. We just fit together. His last big binge he stole a car from the business. He went and bought some tools charged to the business so he could pawn them. At the time my parents had no idea that we were seeing each other. It was soon after that when I started getting real depressed because K was no where to be found that I confided in my mother. When K finally called me he was at a friends house in Memphis. Call me crazy but I drove the 3.5 hours to Memphis and picked him up. For a little bit I made him stay at the Salvation Army and would pick him up to search for a job. After a few weeks of that he was staying with me. My friends thought I was insane and were constantly telling me to give up. Something in me just told me to keep hoping and praying. I ended up giving up all my party buddies and stopped going out all together. We went to AA together. Although I don't consider myself an addict I was very close and AA helped me also. I would go to K's job weekly and pick up his pay check. That lasted until I got my internships and couldn't. He was trusting in himself enough to hold on to the check but not cash it without me. Before I knew it K was sober and working on the steps. I was doing great in school. See drinking and partying caused me to not be the typical college student. Soon we were looking at and buying a ring. I could never think of the right time to tell my mom and would take it off every time I saw her. One day I forgot. My mom cried when she saw it, they were not tears of joy. That was so hard for me. Soon my mom realized that I was getting married with or without her. She at least wanted a wedding for one of her daughters. Now I think she likes K better then me. He is back working at the business. Running it with my Father and my brother. He has been sober 11.5 years. One day a few years ago when K was late from work I realized I was no longer wondering if he was back out. My complete trust in him was back.

So that is the biggest reason I waited until I was 34 to start trying. It is a smart reason, right? My rational mind knows this. So why am I questioning it? Why am I beating myself up over something I cannot change. How was I to know that I wouldn't get pregnant right away and have recurrent loss. Even if I did know I wouldn't have done it. So why do I keep questioning it? I made the right decision. That decision hurts now but that doesn't mean it wasn't right. It is time to stop dwelling on something I can't change.