Sorry MIA

Sorry I have been missing. Since we were not TTC I just wanted a break from it all. These past few months have been great. The only time my infertility hurts is when I am around children for a period of time. I don't notice it in stores anymore. Although I still avoid certain areas and certain times of the day. I don't really cry about it anymore nor am I angry. I believe it is something that one day somehow I will come to understand and be a better person for it. Whether I become a parent or not.

These past few months I have really been working on my health. Both emotionally and physically. I have lost a total of 54 pounds and 37 inches. I have 14 more to go! I will post a pic. when I am at a computer I can scan at. I exercise on a regular basis and am eating very balanced meals. I am tracking and weighing my foods to keep me in check for now. I am getting more used to portions and how much is enough or not enough. Some days I ate a lot some days not enough. That has changed. No longer skipping meals and no longer wanting to. Hopefully soon I will be down to tracking once a week just to keep myself in check. This has had a very positive effect on my self image and thankfully my migraines! I am down to maybe one a month. Amazing and hope it is not just a fluke.

As for TTC. We are going to do IVF with pre genetic determination starting in July. It was a hard decision. In the end we decided if we didn't give it a try we will always question it. I do worry about not having any normal embryos. My RE does not feel this would be the case. I did another clomid challenge and saline sono. My RE and nurse were shocked that I had 10 follicules on each ovary. Of course not all would turn into eggs but this was good news because I won't have to take as much medication. I can thank my weight loss for that.

To keep me occupied in the meantime and during the IVF we are remodeling our kitchen and living room. Hopefully it won't be too stressful. I hope that by doing it while doing IVF will help keep me from obsessing over the IVF. I will post before and after pics.

I am sorry not to have kept in touch and plan on being a better blogger and friend.

Still Here

Can't believe it has been so long since I posted or read any blogs! I am sorry and have a lot of catching up to do.

I had a very hard time after the miscarriage. I started having generalized anxiety and insomnia. I was constantly worried that something was going to happen to me, K or one of the furbabies. I would get myself so worked up I couldn't sleep or want to leave the house. K and I were often walking around the neighborhood with the beagle at 10:00 at night to try and help calm me down. I have always worried about things that are huge events in my life. But I am generally very laid back about normal daily activities. So this was a huge change for me and very scary. K was extremely worried about me. I am sure it being the holidays and me not meeting with my therapist during that time didn't help. Also everything seemed to be going wrong. I had to have a previous root canal retreated the Monday after the d&c which was worse then the first one. I also had an incident with chest pains a few days before Christmas. I was afraid to go to sleep. The next day I did go to the doctor. After the normal ekg and chest xray she told me it was probably costochondritis. A swelling of the ligament that connects the rib bone and the chest bone. I am sure that all that added to my constant worry something bad was going to happen. The ambien I got to sleep did not help especially if I was feeling anxious.

K of course mentioned all this to the RE at our follow up. Dr. E called a psychiatric ER to see what they would do. Since she did not feel I needed to be admitted there was nothing they could have done. She did not feel comfortable prescribing me anything and recommended I go see my general practitioner the next day. She did call my GP and explain my situation. He put me on Zoloft. I am also on a different medication for the insomnia which I will only be on a couple more weeks. It seems to be working. I have had one incident of anxiety in the past two weeks. That was when Autumn my 16 year old cat went out when it was 10 degrees out. I saw her go out and thought she would come right back in. About 30 minutes later I realized she hadn't come in. So I went looking for her. She was laying in the sun and was warm to touch silly girl. I think that anxiety was justified though. Anyway I am seeing my therapist regularly and we agree that 3 weeks was to long to go between appointments for now. I have also started back at Curves and walking everyday. I feel that has made a huge difference and hopefully I won't need the zoloft for more then 4 to 6 months. The doctor said that it needed to be at least 4 months or risk the anxiety coming back.

The genetic testing on the baby was another trisomy 16. The baby was a girl. K and I have made an appointment with a geneticist on 2/9. It really depends on what they say as to what our next steps are. It will probably be IVF with PGD. I haven't made a decision yet. My mindset is so negative right now that I know it is not the right time to decide. I am just going to see what the geneticist says.

I am off to Vegas for 10 days. I promise to catch up with everyone when I return.

My 4th loss!

Sorry I was so short with my last post. I was very upset. My ultrasound on Friday did not have any growth from last week. There was also no visible embryo and there should have been at 6 weeks 3 days. I go in tomorrow for a d&c. I hate to have another surgery but I just can't wait it out. She also said that would be the only way they could do any testing.

These are my options. If the testing on the baby comes back normal I could do another clomid cycle and try Lovenox injections. Dr. E said that all though they have done every test they don't know everything and have had some luck with doing the injections without a specific cause. IVF with genetic testing. I have always thought I wouldn't want to do IVF with my history because what if I spend all that money and it happened again. Dr. E said they have had a lot of success with recurrent miscarriage patients and IVF. So now I just don't know. Adoption. I had all ready been looking into that and had an appointment with an agency but canceled when I got pregnant. Of course I can always give up and live child free. Buy a sports car and travel.

It is a lot to think about. I am not really thinking to much about it right now. I have been keeping myself busy making little Christmas trees that I sell. Those should be done today. So I don't know what I will do next. I am really tired of miscarriages. I just don't even want to think that I have had 4! What the heck? It is really trying and I just don't have any strength left.

Bad News

It happened again.

First U/S

I had my first ultra sound on Friday. There is a gestation sac measuring 5 weeks. I was 5 weeks 3 days the day of. I am taking that as great news. I could not get my beta done because of the holiday. So I went today. I also had the mthfr test.

My boobs started getting sore and I am hungry all the time. This was different then my other pregnancies. Usually I get hungry and sore boobs right away. But this time it happened later. Another way to add to my paranoia. I am telling myself that this pregnancy is different then all the others because it is a healthy pregnancy! I am working very hard at keeping the negative thoughts away.

My betas

Sorry I haven't updated or been a very good blogger. I promise to catch up.

It has been a long week because my betas are going up but not doubling. So I have been doing the waiting game. My first beta was 75, my second was 129 and my third was 221. I didn't have another one until yesterday and it was at 799. It was supposed to be at 880. So they are increasing but since they aren't doubling they are having me come in on Friday for an u/s and another beta. I am also having the mthfr test. Apparently that was not done when my ob/gyn did my recurrent loss panel. I am a little irritated that the RE is just now thinking of doing it. Umm let's see why don't we wait until the patient is pregnant to do the test. She did put me on extra folic acid yesterday.

I had a therapy appointment on Friday and yesterday. So that helped. K went with me on Friday. I was happy about that. My therapist is also a reiki healer. So she had me lay on a massage table yesterday and did some reiki on my head, abdomen and my knees. My knees were hurting but felt a lot better when she was done. She also had me visualize my pregnancy being healthy while she was doing it. I felt a lot better after.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Test Day

It was positive. I thought I was in the middle of the week because I was cramping. I have only had early cramps when I am pregnant. I never cramp before my period. Well Friday the cramps had stopped and my boobs were not getting sore. I really could not remember when my boobs started getting sore before. Anyway I had myself convinced I was not. I almost forgot to test this morning and only did so to confirm it was negative. So I was kinda surprised.

I go in tomorrow, Wednesday and Friday for a beta. I really hope this is it because I have decided not to try again if I have four losses.

Beagle Update

Well the beagle really scared me last week. I took her to the vet about her back. He could tell that she was sore. He said that since it has happened before that we really need to crate her for two to three weeks or risk paralysis. He said not to worry unless she got worse. Well that night she started losing her balance in her hind legs. When she took a stretch her hind end just fell down. So of course I was freaking out. I haven't quite recovered from losing Bitzi so I am sure that added to my fear.

I took her that next morning for x rays. Her back looked fine. No swelling in the disc. He said he saw a little bit of an issue in her neck but wasn't really concerned. He also said that there might be lesions that would not show up with an x ray. But that would be looked at if she didn't get better.

She is walking better now each day an improvement. But she still can't stretch without it making her sit down. Not as bad as the falling over. So that is good. She hasn't been crated since house training so she doesn't like it. I am having to walk her on the leash to use the restroom and then straight back to the crate.

Funny thing is I pulled my back on the squat machine Saturday. Really not funny because it hurt and I didn't want to take a muscle relaxer right now. So we were both laid up this weekend. I went to the chiropractor today and told him about the two of us. He said he has adjusted quite a few dogs! So I told him that is she still seems to be off balance next week I will check with my vet about it.

Test date is Sunday!

This cycle is going well

I had my follie check on Friday. I had 3 follies. One at 17 and two at 15. I could not believe it. Usually I have one that is promising and then a maybe. I have also ovulated earlier these past two cycles. Usually on Clomid I ovulate on CD 17 or 18. So it seems like the weight loss has another positive. I triggered yesterday and we are just doing timed intercourse.

I am determined to think positive. Everyday on my walk I have been repeating positive thoughts. That I will have a strong follie that will be a strong egg that will become a strong baby. It isn't easy because I have become so negative. But I am trying.

On another note the poor beagle hurt her back again. About six months ago we finished putting hardwood floors in. Getting rid of the carpet was good for us bad for her. We have been doing so good at keeping her from running inside. However, last night we got her all excited and she took off running. Todays she wasn't jumping. My vet couldn't see her today so she is on pain meds and will be seen tomorrow. It is lonely taking a walk without her.

Childhood

I didn't like being a child. Ever since I can remember I couldn't wait to grow up. Because growing up meant getting away from it all. When I was in first grade I had seperation anxiety from my mother. I cried everyday at school all day. I was often put in a storage closet because they just didn't know what to do with me. I remember that closet and me in there crying. It is a hard memory. Especially when I think all I needed was some help. But then it wasn't a common thing to take children to a therapist. Finally my parents took me out of school and I would sit in my fathers truck all day while he worked. He wouldn't let me stay with mom. After all that is what I wanted. I love my father but don't really like him. It was not long after that I decided to go back to school and was fine. I missed a lot of first grade but my mom would not let them hold me back because she did not want me to be 18 when I graduated. So of course I was behind the other kids in my studies. That was very hard to handle. Kids can be mean.

My parents were spankers. My mom would spank us with a tupperware handle to the cake taker. She would make us pull our pants down. Yes I would go to gymnastics with whelps on my legs. Still you wanted my mother to spank you not my father. He would often just pick up anything and hit you with it. Shoe, newspaper, belt. Don't get me wrong I did not live in an abusive home spankings weren't an everyday occurence. The only time I would say that my dad abused me was when I was 16 and got suspended from school. He pulled me from the bathroom to my bedroom by my hair. It was so bad Mom said she was going to call the police. He turned and said if she does he would do the same to her. I have never forgiven my father for that moment. It is an awful memory.

I could go on but those memories plus dad going to jail shaped my growing up. There was a lot of chaos in my life then and it continued into my twenties. Not until I met K did the chaos start to slow down. Infertility brought chaos back into my life again. Although with everything I went through I am not surprised that IF happened to me. Anything and everything has been a struggle for me.

I'm writing about this because I am wondering how experiences can block certain things from happening. I am very fearful of turning out to be like my parents. So much so that I rarely if ever talk to them or see them. I hated being a kid. For a long time that is why I didn't want children. Why would I want to bring someone into this world to go through what I went through? Would I be the same as my parents?

These are things I thought I had dealt with. But I think I just pushed them aside. Is my fear surrounding all of this part of my infertility? Are my underlying fears part of the reason I can't have a successful pregnancy? I just don't know. All I know is the pain has come back again with a vengeance. I don't really want to even go there but how am I supposed to help my pain if I don't.

Anniversary

Today is my 9 year wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been 9 years. I am proud to say that the majority of those we have been very happy together. K is my one and only. I could not imagine my life without him and wouldn't want to. I am also very proud to say that our marriage has gotten stronger because of infertility. It really is the only good that has come out of this crap we have been through. I am very grateful for K and everything he does for me. He didn't know he was going to get an infertile woman with health issues also!

I thought I would dress up tonight for a nice dinner out. Just some dress pants and nice shoes. Well I am excited to say I put on my dress pants that haven't been on me since last winter and they fell off!!!! So I tried another pair they fell off too!!! WooHoo Diet! I now have one pair of jeans that I couldn't part with during my big clothes toss last year that fit. It feels great to finally see something succeeding in my life. K won big last week when he stopped in Metropolis to gamble so looks like I will be doing some shopping. Oh and I will save my clothes that are now to big because I will need them for my successful pregnancy damn it!

Negative Test

I also started spotting this afternoon. I am more upset then I thought I would be although I am not surprised. My cat dying was very stressful for me and I had bronchitis for two weeks. I even refused the steroid shot to help get over bronchitis because of the "possibility". So I suffered through an awful two weeks of illness and a migraine (because I refuse to take pregnancy category c or above) this weekend for nothing.

Here is to another clomid cycle. I am not sure if that will be it for clomid or will do another cycle. It depends on how I am emotionally with it. Clomid makes me very depressed.

Ugh this TTC was awful

OK Monday was nice. But Tuesday I woke up sneezing and thought it was just allergies. So I did the neti pot. I went on my walk because it wasn't supposed to rain until that afternoon. I even looked at the radar. No rain in sight. Must have been on a delay. I got caught in a downpour with a mile to walk out. The beagle and I ran a little bit of the way but since I am not a runner and was getting wet anyway I said screw it. It was warm out even with the rain. I didn't get a chill but got sick anyway. My nose went from being stopped up to non stop running to stopped up again. My body was achy. I was not in any mood for sex. If I hadn't spent money on the trigger shot I would have said screw it. But I am not one to waste so I sucked it up. So it was down to the ever romantic "Come on K lets get this over with".

I feel better although I am still coughing. My nose is no longer stopped up and I no longer ache.

TTC again

I took Clomid cycle days 5-9 like usual. Today I went in for a follie check. I have two follies one is ready and the other is very close. So they gave me a trigger shot. It is earlier then I thought. I figured around CD 15 I would need the trigger which is what I have done in the past. Today is CD13. So maybe I am seeing some improvement in my hormones since I have lost some weight.

I am really not into TTC right now. I am not sure why. I just don't feel like going through it. I was starting to heal then the loss of my cat really brought me back to a dark place. It is so hard to lose an animal I have had for so long. The house just really feels strange. I keep thinking I need to give Bitzi her thyroid medication and then I remember. I haven't even brought myself to throw out her medication yet. I keep having dreams that she got better. I am sure it will get easier. It just isn't right now.

Sad Today

I had to put my cat who turned 16 this month to sleep today. It was one of the hardest but easiest decisions to make. If that makes sense. She has been sick for about 3 weeks. The vet thinks it was probably cancer since all her other test came out fine. I thought she was going to make it. After a week of not eating she started eating again with a steroid shot. But Tuesday afternoon after I took her in for fluids she wouldn't eat again. So I postponed my trip to China (flight was yesterday) to care for her. I just couldn't leave her. The thought of her dying while I was gone was eating me up. So of course K had to go so he was not here. He said that Bitzi was a friend to him when no one would be. He was very sad he could not be here. My sister and her partner were on a staycation thank goodness! So they came down and went with me. I stayed with her while they did it. Hard of course it was. But my touch and voice were there for her during her last moment. I put her under a gigantic forsythia bush. She loved that bush and when I would let her out this past week that is where she would go. Bitzi was a great cat and friend. The stories she could tell! Like K said always there when no one else would be. She will be deeply missed.

Adjusting Well

These past few weeks I have been really concentrating on getting myself healthy inside and out. I really have been feeling great. Yes, my grief and anger is still there but is getting smaller everyday. I did my second unsent letter. It took me longer then the first because I have been feeling so good that I just didn't want to go there. But I knew that if I really wanted to move on that I had to.

Three weeks ago I added a 2.2 mile hike daily with my beagle. I have been faithful about going to Curves. Because I want to get my hike out of the way before it gets to hot it is giving me a reason not to want to sleep my morning away. I have also been better with my diet. I have been trying to lose the 40 PCOS pounds I gained in 3 months for about two years. After my first and second losses I just did not give a damn and gave up on eating well and exercising. After this loss I fell into that habit for the time I was supposed to rest after but did not let myself do it any longer then that. I really feel keeping this up has helped me stay out of a funk.

Therapy is hard but going well. I am trying to be more positive and am working on my fear of pregnancy before we start trying again. Before I have never let myself think past a day when I was pregnant. I am trying to see myself pregnant in the future more then just a few weeks without the fear that usually goes with that.

I have also decided not to put my life on hold anymore. K is going to take two of his nieces (22 and 19) to China at the end of Sept. I wasn't going to go because I had a horrible time adjusting to the time last time and I wanted to start trying again this cycle. However, I am not ready to try yet so I am going. That week in China would be testing week anyway and I don't want to be in China with a BFN or a BFP. So I am going instead of staying home alone. Travel all I can while I can. I just know right now that 2009 will have a baby in it.

So that is my plan keep working on my weight, go to China then in October if I feel like it we will try again.

So Sorry

I have been taking some time off from the blog world. I promise to catch up with peoples blogs this weekend. Hope everyone has been well! Oh and I will update mine also.

Questioning Why I Waited

Heading into history here.

K and I first met 12 years ago. I just started working for my parents and he was their shop supervisor. I knew he had a history of addiction but I didn't know the extent. At the time I was very close to turning into an addict myself. See I believe we met for that reason. To give each other some hope that we don't need the drugs and alcohol for life to be good. It wasn't long into our relationship that I found out K's drug of choice was crack. It broke my heart because I fell in love with him fast. We just fit together. His last big binge he stole a car from the business. He went and bought some tools charged to the business so he could pawn them. At the time my parents had no idea that we were seeing each other. It was soon after that when I started getting real depressed because K was no where to be found that I confided in my mother. When K finally called me he was at a friends house in Memphis. Call me crazy but I drove the 3.5 hours to Memphis and picked him up. For a little bit I made him stay at the Salvation Army and would pick him up to search for a job. After a few weeks of that he was staying with me. My friends thought I was insane and were constantly telling me to give up. Something in me just told me to keep hoping and praying. I ended up giving up all my party buddies and stopped going out all together. We went to AA together. Although I don't consider myself an addict I was very close and AA helped me also. I would go to K's job weekly and pick up his pay check. That lasted until I got my internships and couldn't. He was trusting in himself enough to hold on to the check but not cash it without me. Before I knew it K was sober and working on the steps. I was doing great in school. See drinking and partying caused me to not be the typical college student. Soon we were looking at and buying a ring. I could never think of the right time to tell my mom and would take it off every time I saw her. One day I forgot. My mom cried when she saw it, they were not tears of joy. That was so hard for me. Soon my mom realized that I was getting married with or without her. She at least wanted a wedding for one of her daughters. Now I think she likes K better then me. He is back working at the business. Running it with my Father and my brother. He has been sober 11.5 years. One day a few years ago when K was late from work I realized I was no longer wondering if he was back out. My complete trust in him was back.

So that is the biggest reason I waited until I was 34 to start trying. It is a smart reason, right? My rational mind knows this. So why am I questioning it? Why am I beating myself up over something I cannot change. How was I to know that I wouldn't get pregnant right away and have recurrent loss. Even if I did know I wouldn't have done it. So why do I keep questioning it? I made the right decision. That decision hurts now but that doesn't mean it wasn't right. It is time to stop dwelling on something I can't change.

Unsent Letters

I began the first of three unsent letters to the souls who tried to come into my life but didn't. It is harder then I thought. As a social worker I am used to asking others to do these things. I have never actually sat in the seat myself. It is a little uncomfortable to me. Right now my first letter doesn't feel finished. I guess I will know when it is time to put down the pen.

Therapy is going to be a lot harder then I thought. I really had a bad day Thursday. Dealing with my first therapy appointment and my cat. She is doing better by the way. I am so grateful. I guess I am scared of dealing with everything and moving on. I think I am in a slump that just seems easy right now. Doing anything really takes so much effort. I just do the basics right now. I feel bad because there are things that need to be done I need to be doing. I just don't have it in me. Maybe that is why the letter is so difficult. I just don't have it in me. However, I am doing it because it is a start.

Therapy

I started therapy today. I really like the counselor. She is different from the one I originally called because my dates got messed up and I missed my first appointment. Since that counselor could not see me until August 13 I called a place called Fertile Hope Program for Healing. She said on the phone that the reason she does this is because she has been through IF. So in a way I am glad I missed my appointment with the other place.

We just talked about the basics today and how angry I am. That I have let myself become completely isolated because of not being able to see pregnant people and children. She told me that is fine for now that it is a protection I am doing for myself. It was a very good session and she validated my feelings well. She wants me to write letters to my three babies. The letters are going to be hard but I will try. I made another appointment for next week.

I am very sad today because I think my 15 year old cat is getting sick and won't be here much longer. Her and her sister were my first pets after moving out on my own. They have been through a lot with me. Many boyfriends, the drug and alcohol years, several jobs, houses and married life. I just hate that I can't do anything for her right now but let her rest. She is a great pet and I just hate to lose her when I have dealt with so much loss recently.