Unsent Letters

I began the first of three unsent letters to the souls who tried to come into my life but didn't. It is harder then I thought. As a social worker I am used to asking others to do these things. I have never actually sat in the seat myself. It is a little uncomfortable to me. Right now my first letter doesn't feel finished. I guess I will know when it is time to put down the pen.

Therapy is going to be a lot harder then I thought. I really had a bad day Thursday. Dealing with my first therapy appointment and my cat. She is doing better by the way. I am so grateful. I guess I am scared of dealing with everything and moving on. I think I am in a slump that just seems easy right now. Doing anything really takes so much effort. I just do the basics right now. I feel bad because there are things that need to be done I need to be doing. I just don't have it in me. Maybe that is why the letter is so difficult. I just don't have it in me. However, I am doing it because it is a start.

Therapy

I started therapy today. I really like the counselor. She is different from the one I originally called because my dates got messed up and I missed my first appointment. Since that counselor could not see me until August 13 I called a place called Fertile Hope Program for Healing. She said on the phone that the reason she does this is because she has been through IF. So in a way I am glad I missed my appointment with the other place.

We just talked about the basics today and how angry I am. That I have let myself become completely isolated because of not being able to see pregnant people and children. She told me that is fine for now that it is a protection I am doing for myself. It was a very good session and she validated my feelings well. She wants me to write letters to my three babies. The letters are going to be hard but I will try. I made another appointment for next week.

I am very sad today because I think my 15 year old cat is getting sick and won't be here much longer. Her and her sister were my first pets after moving out on my own. They have been through a lot with me. Many boyfriends, the drug and alcohol years, several jobs, houses and married life. I just hate that I can't do anything for her right now but let her rest. She is a great pet and I just hate to lose her when I have dealt with so much loss recently.

Stupid Thyroid and Migraines

When I had my second opinion on my multinodular goiter Dr. W ran a load of blood test. All if it came back normal except I was deficient in vitamin D. Strange because I thought the prenatal would have been enough. My TSH was .63 he said that was perfect. There was no need to have radioactive iodine or have it removed. He felt like everything was fine no need to worry. He said I could get it rechecked in a few months if I wanted. He really did not feel it was necessary. I got the RE to test it because I have had a constant headache to migraine and usually that is a sign. Today my panel was normal except TSH was low at .26. Could it be the pregnancy and maybe it will go back up. My regular endo is of course out of town this week. I have so many questions. Is it an issue? Should I just have it retested in a few weeks? Should I get another opinion on taking the RAI. I will be furious if I end up needing the RAI when he said it wasn't necessary right now. Expecially because I would have to wait a year to start trying again. I could have had it taken care of in March and been that much closer to a year.

Yesterday I was feeling so positive that my next pregnancy will be it. Today that is gone. I can't wait to see the counselor on Thursday. Could not be soon enough.

About my migraines. My SIL and nieces all go to the chiropractor for theirs. They swear it has stopped them. They may get them twice a year now. She also said that C got horrible cramps and would pass out with her period. She said the Chiropractor helped that and her cycle went from 5 days most spent in bed to 2 functional days. Sure beats having a lap to check for endometriosis. So I have an appointment on Friday. I hope it works. If it does I can go back to work without needed the pregnancy category D seizure medications to keep the migraines away. So I have some hope there. I would love to go back to work.

Post Op Appointment

I had my post op from my D & C today. Everything was fine with me. I had what I thought was a period last weekend which had never happened with my other two D & C. Dr. Abby said it was probably just a drop in hormones releasing the blood not to worry.

I have been debating since this happened whether I wanted to know the gender of the baby. For some reason I felt that knowing would make it even more real and therefore harder for me to cope. In the end I decided it might help me bring some closure.

The loss was caused by Trisomy 16 and was a boy. It is somewhat of a relief to know that the miscarriage was caused by an abnormality. At least I know that for this loss it wasn't my body killing my baby. It makes the decision to try again easier. I am still undecided but am leaning on giving TTC another shot. I only have to wait one cycle if I do try again so at least there isn't a two cycle wait like with my previous ones. Different doctor different rules on that I guess. She also said that it is extremely rare for it to happen more then once and does not think my other two were caused by it. She does not want to do genetic testing with me or K at this time. So of course it is another lets wait and see if it happens again.

I am sad either way about the gender. When we first started trying we both thought it would be neat to have a boy because K's brother and sister have 4 girls each. So it is a little bitter sweet. Of course we could care less now. All we want is a healthy baby. It does make it more real but I am not as upset as I thought I would be.

We had a great trip to Vegas. I was doing really well masking my feelings. Putting on a good show since most of K's family was there. K's sister lives in Vegas so we hardly ever talk to her. I found out the day before our big family dinner that her 21 year old is accidentally pregnant. I think she is purposely accidentally pregnant because she is insecure in her relationship. Anyway I had a day to prepare to mask my feelings better. The first place I was sitting at dinner was to close to where she would be so I got up and moved. Her little sister is of course excited big sis is pregnant and she has the u/s pic in her hand. I am sitting at the far end of 13 people from her. Of course I am the person she decides to run up to and show it to first. I flipped out practically yelled I don't want to see that got up running to the bathroom. It ruined my last evening in Vegas. I was fighting back the tears the whole time and haven't been the same since. It was like a slap in the face how unfair all of this is. Stupid young adult child who has no business being pregnant.