Another Loss

There was no growth and the gestational sac is now collapsed. I go in Monday for the d&c. I hate that it is at the same place I had a bad experience with the recovery nurse. I just can't wait it out. I need it to be over with so I can start healing and not have a set back in two weeks.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate them. I am very sad and confused right now. I was so hoping the third one would be it.

We go in two weeks to Vegas for the 4th. Ken's dad and brother are playing in the World Series of Poker. It seems like every time I have a loss I have a trip planned for Vegas. I don't know of a better place to drown my sorrows in drinking, gambling and good food. I just hope that Ken's niece who has little one's doesn't come.

Not good news

First I wanted to say sorry I haven't been reading people's blogs this week. I have been avoiding the computer as I was starting to obsess over pregnancy signs. I will try and catch up.

The u/s was not good. The gestational sac is progressing very little from my u/s last week. My beta last Monday was at 3000 and today it was 6300. I don't think the numbers sound good but since it went up and there was a little growth they want me to wait until Friday to do another u/s then go from there. This wait and see happens every time I miscarry and it is no fun. I don't really have any hope left as the numbers are low and I don't feel pregnant anymore.

I am just tired of this whole TTC thing. It has taken up almost 3 years of my life. I gave up my career and what do I have to show for it? I am not making any decisions right now but I really don't want to try any more. I really believe that now that I am 37 and this is my third loss my RE will want me to do IVF. I really don't know if I can justify spending that money with 3 miscarriages. I just feel it would happen again. Adoption will be very difficult for us because K is a recovering addict (11 years sober)but he has several felonies because of it. I just don't want any more pain then IF has caused. I just have to start accepting that we will never be parents.

I was worried

I was very worried yesterday. How I realized that my 2nd pregnancy wasn't going well was because my breast stopped hurting and weren't as full. Well I noticed they weren't hurting as badly on Saturday and felt almost normal on Sunday. So of course I was crying thinking the worst. Lets face it infertility has not made me the most positive person in the world. Then last night I started having sharp pains on my rights side where ovulation pains would be. So I called my RE and she saw me for an u/s. There is a gestational sac in the uterus. Good. The embryo is measuring at 5 weeks. She puts me at 5 weeks 5 days. She really felt good about that. I have a cyst on my right and left ovary. Now the pain is making better sense. The cyst are actually good because they help release progesterone. She says there is a possibility that I released two eggs and it could be an ectopic. However, she said that is very rare and really isn't that worried about it. She felt things were so good that there was no need for a Beta. I got one and progesterone check anyway to further put my mind at ease. Of course if my pain does not go away or gets worse she will see me before Monday. But other then that she will see me Monday.

Now I am going to try not to worry about every little thing. I keep telling myself that I think my m/c (although it hasn't been confirmed) were caused by my taking synthroid and I did not need it. When I would get pregnant my old endocrinologist told me to increase it by a pill a week. If I did not even need it and I increased it that could not have been good. Each time my thyroid was checked after it was hyper. My new endocrinologist felt it was the synthroid making it hyper and not the goiter. So I keep telling myself that was it and now everything will be fine. But of course my negativity has gotten the best of me in the past two years and positive thinking takes practice. It really does take more effort.

2nd Beta

My 2nd beta was 152! I was really nervous about it and am relieved to know it is good.

Right now my first appointment and u/s are on June 16. When I called K about it he said he wasn't at a calendar but thought that would be when he was in China. I knew he was going but I thought it was later. I am really upset that he is even going during that time because I have never made it past 8 weeks. What if something happens while he is gone? I know he doesn't have a choice because they are having considerable issues with the company that builds our scaffold. I really wish that my brother would start going so it is not always my husband traveling over there. Clint and his wife are such germaphobes that he won't go. He doesn't say that is the reason but I know it is. He won't even let K or my dad near his daughter after they have been over there. So weird.

O.K. enough complaining I am just upset and worried.

Beta and P4 results

Beta is 62 at 13 dpo. My progesterone is at 32.6 without supplements. I started progesterone last night as a precaution though. I go back tomorrow for repeat beta and will get those results Friday. I am so happy the numbers are good.

I have another migraine. It started on Monday. Since I can stay in bed I have not taken a Maxalt which is pregnancy category C. If it last much longer I may not have a choice.

I held out!

I tested this morning. Of course I woke up at 5:00 which is way way early for me and tested. It was positive! I am very excited and very happy.

I have left a message at the RE. Not sure if they are open today or not. I wanted to know when to come in for a beta and also about taking progesterone. I have refills from last time but will probably wait to fill it until I hear from them.

This time I plan on being more positive. With the last pregnancy I was very negative and didn't have a good feeling the whole time. I think everything had taken a toll and I wasn't completely ready from the loss.

Thank you ladies for all your support this weekend!

Ugh! The waiting!

I don't know how I handled the TWW last summer. I was fine until yesterday when I had a migraine. It really bothered me because I always get a migraine before my period. I just kept telling myself it could me a drop or an increase in hormones. It wasn't a bad migraine because it went away without me taking maxalt. I called the RE and they said it would be o.k. for me to take it since I wouldn't be doing it on a continuous basis. If it got unbearable or was still there today I would have. So I am taking that as a good sign.

All day yesterday I wanted to test. It was the first thing I thought of this morning. I haven't tested because I know it is still early. I am cramping though so I took my temp. to see if it was dropping and it was 98.22. So that is good. I don't normally cramp before my period. With my last BFP I cramped and felt like my period would start any moment. So I am trying to remind myself of that.

I just don't remember obsessing this bad last summer. I think after the first month I kinda lost hope so I didn't obsess. I am trying to stay positive about the hole thing. I am trying to hold off until Monday to test. That will be 12 dpo. I hope I can hold out.