Childhood

I didn't like being a child. Ever since I can remember I couldn't wait to grow up. Because growing up meant getting away from it all. When I was in first grade I had seperation anxiety from my mother. I cried everyday at school all day. I was often put in a storage closet because they just didn't know what to do with me. I remember that closet and me in there crying. It is a hard memory. Especially when I think all I needed was some help. But then it wasn't a common thing to take children to a therapist. Finally my parents took me out of school and I would sit in my fathers truck all day while he worked. He wouldn't let me stay with mom. After all that is what I wanted. I love my father but don't really like him. It was not long after that I decided to go back to school and was fine. I missed a lot of first grade but my mom would not let them hold me back because she did not want me to be 18 when I graduated. So of course I was behind the other kids in my studies. That was very hard to handle. Kids can be mean.

My parents were spankers. My mom would spank us with a tupperware handle to the cake taker. She would make us pull our pants down. Yes I would go to gymnastics with whelps on my legs. Still you wanted my mother to spank you not my father. He would often just pick up anything and hit you with it. Shoe, newspaper, belt. Don't get me wrong I did not live in an abusive home spankings weren't an everyday occurence. The only time I would say that my dad abused me was when I was 16 and got suspended from school. He pulled me from the bathroom to my bedroom by my hair. It was so bad Mom said she was going to call the police. He turned and said if she does he would do the same to her. I have never forgiven my father for that moment. It is an awful memory.

I could go on but those memories plus dad going to jail shaped my growing up. There was a lot of chaos in my life then and it continued into my twenties. Not until I met K did the chaos start to slow down. Infertility brought chaos back into my life again. Although with everything I went through I am not surprised that IF happened to me. Anything and everything has been a struggle for me.

I'm writing about this because I am wondering how experiences can block certain things from happening. I am very fearful of turning out to be like my parents. So much so that I rarely if ever talk to them or see them. I hated being a kid. For a long time that is why I didn't want children. Why would I want to bring someone into this world to go through what I went through? Would I be the same as my parents?

These are things I thought I had dealt with. But I think I just pushed them aside. Is my fear surrounding all of this part of my infertility? Are my underlying fears part of the reason I can't have a successful pregnancy? I just don't know. All I know is the pain has come back again with a vengeance. I don't really want to even go there but how am I supposed to help my pain if I don't.

Anniversary

Today is my 9 year wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been 9 years. I am proud to say that the majority of those we have been very happy together. K is my one and only. I could not imagine my life without him and wouldn't want to. I am also very proud to say that our marriage has gotten stronger because of infertility. It really is the only good that has come out of this crap we have been through. I am very grateful for K and everything he does for me. He didn't know he was going to get an infertile woman with health issues also!

I thought I would dress up tonight for a nice dinner out. Just some dress pants and nice shoes. Well I am excited to say I put on my dress pants that haven't been on me since last winter and they fell off!!!! So I tried another pair they fell off too!!! WooHoo Diet! I now have one pair of jeans that I couldn't part with during my big clothes toss last year that fit. It feels great to finally see something succeeding in my life. K won big last week when he stopped in Metropolis to gamble so looks like I will be doing some shopping. Oh and I will save my clothes that are now to big because I will need them for my successful pregnancy damn it!

Negative Test

I also started spotting this afternoon. I am more upset then I thought I would be although I am not surprised. My cat dying was very stressful for me and I had bronchitis for two weeks. I even refused the steroid shot to help get over bronchitis because of the "possibility". So I suffered through an awful two weeks of illness and a migraine (because I refuse to take pregnancy category c or above) this weekend for nothing.

Here is to another clomid cycle. I am not sure if that will be it for clomid or will do another cycle. It depends on how I am emotionally with it. Clomid makes me very depressed.

Ugh this TTC was awful

OK Monday was nice. But Tuesday I woke up sneezing and thought it was just allergies. So I did the neti pot. I went on my walk because it wasn't supposed to rain until that afternoon. I even looked at the radar. No rain in sight. Must have been on a delay. I got caught in a downpour with a mile to walk out. The beagle and I ran a little bit of the way but since I am not a runner and was getting wet anyway I said screw it. It was warm out even with the rain. I didn't get a chill but got sick anyway. My nose went from being stopped up to non stop running to stopped up again. My body was achy. I was not in any mood for sex. If I hadn't spent money on the trigger shot I would have said screw it. But I am not one to waste so I sucked it up. So it was down to the ever romantic "Come on K lets get this over with".

I feel better although I am still coughing. My nose is no longer stopped up and I no longer ache.

TTC again

I took Clomid cycle days 5-9 like usual. Today I went in for a follie check. I have two follies one is ready and the other is very close. So they gave me a trigger shot. It is earlier then I thought. I figured around CD 15 I would need the trigger which is what I have done in the past. Today is CD13. So maybe I am seeing some improvement in my hormones since I have lost some weight.

I am really not into TTC right now. I am not sure why. I just don't feel like going through it. I was starting to heal then the loss of my cat really brought me back to a dark place. It is so hard to lose an animal I have had for so long. The house just really feels strange. I keep thinking I need to give Bitzi her thyroid medication and then I remember. I haven't even brought myself to throw out her medication yet. I keep having dreams that she got better. I am sure it will get easier. It just isn't right now.