Sorry MIA

Sorry I have been missing. Since we were not TTC I just wanted a break from it all. These past few months have been great. The only time my infertility hurts is when I am around children for a period of time. I don't notice it in stores anymore. Although I still avoid certain areas and certain times of the day. I don't really cry about it anymore nor am I angry. I believe it is something that one day somehow I will come to understand and be a better person for it. Whether I become a parent or not.

These past few months I have really been working on my health. Both emotionally and physically. I have lost a total of 54 pounds and 37 inches. I have 14 more to go! I will post a pic. when I am at a computer I can scan at. I exercise on a regular basis and am eating very balanced meals. I am tracking and weighing my foods to keep me in check for now. I am getting more used to portions and how much is enough or not enough. Some days I ate a lot some days not enough. That has changed. No longer skipping meals and no longer wanting to. Hopefully soon I will be down to tracking once a week just to keep myself in check. This has had a very positive effect on my self image and thankfully my migraines! I am down to maybe one a month. Amazing and hope it is not just a fluke.

As for TTC. We are going to do IVF with pre genetic determination starting in July. It was a hard decision. In the end we decided if we didn't give it a try we will always question it. I do worry about not having any normal embryos. My RE does not feel this would be the case. I did another clomid challenge and saline sono. My RE and nurse were shocked that I had 10 follicules on each ovary. Of course not all would turn into eggs but this was good news because I won't have to take as much medication. I can thank my weight loss for that.

To keep me occupied in the meantime and during the IVF we are remodeling our kitchen and living room. Hopefully it won't be too stressful. I hope that by doing it while doing IVF will help keep me from obsessing over the IVF. I will post before and after pics.

I am sorry not to have kept in touch and plan on being a better blogger and friend.

Still Here

Can't believe it has been so long since I posted or read any blogs! I am sorry and have a lot of catching up to do.

I had a very hard time after the miscarriage. I started having generalized anxiety and insomnia. I was constantly worried that something was going to happen to me, K or one of the furbabies. I would get myself so worked up I couldn't sleep or want to leave the house. K and I were often walking around the neighborhood with the beagle at 10:00 at night to try and help calm me down. I have always worried about things that are huge events in my life. But I am generally very laid back about normal daily activities. So this was a huge change for me and very scary. K was extremely worried about me. I am sure it being the holidays and me not meeting with my therapist during that time didn't help. Also everything seemed to be going wrong. I had to have a previous root canal retreated the Monday after the d&c which was worse then the first one. I also had an incident with chest pains a few days before Christmas. I was afraid to go to sleep. The next day I did go to the doctor. After the normal ekg and chest xray she told me it was probably costochondritis. A swelling of the ligament that connects the rib bone and the chest bone. I am sure that all that added to my constant worry something bad was going to happen. The ambien I got to sleep did not help especially if I was feeling anxious.

K of course mentioned all this to the RE at our follow up. Dr. E called a psychiatric ER to see what they would do. Since she did not feel I needed to be admitted there was nothing they could have done. She did not feel comfortable prescribing me anything and recommended I go see my general practitioner the next day. She did call my GP and explain my situation. He put me on Zoloft. I am also on a different medication for the insomnia which I will only be on a couple more weeks. It seems to be working. I have had one incident of anxiety in the past two weeks. That was when Autumn my 16 year old cat went out when it was 10 degrees out. I saw her go out and thought she would come right back in. About 30 minutes later I realized she hadn't come in. So I went looking for her. She was laying in the sun and was warm to touch silly girl. I think that anxiety was justified though. Anyway I am seeing my therapist regularly and we agree that 3 weeks was to long to go between appointments for now. I have also started back at Curves and walking everyday. I feel that has made a huge difference and hopefully I won't need the zoloft for more then 4 to 6 months. The doctor said that it needed to be at least 4 months or risk the anxiety coming back.

The genetic testing on the baby was another trisomy 16. The baby was a girl. K and I have made an appointment with a geneticist on 2/9. It really depends on what they say as to what our next steps are. It will probably be IVF with PGD. I haven't made a decision yet. My mindset is so negative right now that I know it is not the right time to decide. I am just going to see what the geneticist says.

I am off to Vegas for 10 days. I promise to catch up with everyone when I return.

My 4th loss!

Sorry I was so short with my last post. I was very upset. My ultrasound on Friday did not have any growth from last week. There was also no visible embryo and there should have been at 6 weeks 3 days. I go in tomorrow for a d&c. I hate to have another surgery but I just can't wait it out. She also said that would be the only way they could do any testing.

These are my options. If the testing on the baby comes back normal I could do another clomid cycle and try Lovenox injections. Dr. E said that all though they have done every test they don't know everything and have had some luck with doing the injections without a specific cause. IVF with genetic testing. I have always thought I wouldn't want to do IVF with my history because what if I spend all that money and it happened again. Dr. E said they have had a lot of success with recurrent miscarriage patients and IVF. So now I just don't know. Adoption. I had all ready been looking into that and had an appointment with an agency but canceled when I got pregnant. Of course I can always give up and live child free. Buy a sports car and travel.

It is a lot to think about. I am not really thinking to much about it right now. I have been keeping myself busy making little Christmas trees that I sell. Those should be done today. So I don't know what I will do next. I am really tired of miscarriages. I just don't even want to think that I have had 4! What the heck? It is really trying and I just don't have any strength left.

Bad News

It happened again.

First U/S

I had my first ultra sound on Friday. There is a gestation sac measuring 5 weeks. I was 5 weeks 3 days the day of. I am taking that as great news. I could not get my beta done because of the holiday. So I went today. I also had the mthfr test.

My boobs started getting sore and I am hungry all the time. This was different then my other pregnancies. Usually I get hungry and sore boobs right away. But this time it happened later. Another way to add to my paranoia. I am telling myself that this pregnancy is different then all the others because it is a healthy pregnancy! I am working very hard at keeping the negative thoughts away.

My betas

Sorry I haven't updated or been a very good blogger. I promise to catch up.

It has been a long week because my betas are going up but not doubling. So I have been doing the waiting game. My first beta was 75, my second was 129 and my third was 221. I didn't have another one until yesterday and it was at 799. It was supposed to be at 880. So they are increasing but since they aren't doubling they are having me come in on Friday for an u/s and another beta. I am also having the mthfr test. Apparently that was not done when my ob/gyn did my recurrent loss panel. I am a little irritated that the RE is just now thinking of doing it. Umm let's see why don't we wait until the patient is pregnant to do the test. She did put me on extra folic acid yesterday.

I had a therapy appointment on Friday and yesterday. So that helped. K went with me on Friday. I was happy about that. My therapist is also a reiki healer. So she had me lay on a massage table yesterday and did some reiki on my head, abdomen and my knees. My knees were hurting but felt a lot better when she was done. She also had me visualize my pregnancy being healthy while she was doing it. I felt a lot better after.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Test Day

It was positive. I thought I was in the middle of the week because I was cramping. I have only had early cramps when I am pregnant. I never cramp before my period. Well Friday the cramps had stopped and my boobs were not getting sore. I really could not remember when my boobs started getting sore before. Anyway I had myself convinced I was not. I almost forgot to test this morning and only did so to confirm it was negative. So I was kinda surprised.

I go in tomorrow, Wednesday and Friday for a beta. I really hope this is it because I have decided not to try again if I have four losses.